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Old 04-17-2013, 01:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Drill down to the essence of what is underneath your discomfort. Keep asking yourself "why does this make me nauseous," "why do I hate it," "and why did I consent to this?"

Here are some ideas (you don't have to answer them here, but these are just food for thought, for further self-examination):
  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you to some degree?
  • Do you ask for what you need?
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement? Or visa-versa? If one is okay with you but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, ie., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you or do you make her the center of your world?
It always helps me to just keep making inquiries whenever I am struggling with something. Not to just accept, "I am feeling this way or that way," but to ask myself what factors have contributed to that. Many feelings arise out of our thought processes and belief systems, and the more we become aware of what kinds of beliefs are running inside us like "default programming," and how our minds work, the better able we can just let those thoughts come up without paying credence to them or letting them run our lives and create emotional storms.

Hope this helps you. Have you done any reading about poly? I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-17-2013 at 02:32 PM.
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