I want no part of it right now. It is going to be a long time before I earn Matt's trust back. That is a huge goal at hand. I know that if I add another relationship to an already delicate situation, it will push him even further away. We are still treating it like a poly relationship time wise, but that other person would be the final nail in the coffin. Marital suicide is not something I want to try out. I know he will never trust poly again. I can say that with 100% certainty. He tolerated it for years, but he never accepted it. What a difference it makes.
I can probably be poly-friendly without needing to practise. The odds of Matt being poly-friendly are about as high as seeing a leprechaun doing an Irish jig at the end of the rainbow. I will give him credit for trying to be receptive, but I know what the real deal is. At least he is not selling me dreams and false hope. He never promised to try to be accepting of it this time. I do appreciate his honesty.
Matt knew, but having minimal contact with it, never experiencing an ounce of compersion, or even having to acknowledge the other person is probably why he tolerated it for so long. It was not until Si became a constant presence, part of our marriage, and part of our family that it hit home that he could not stomach it. Not asking him how he felt about her being a co-parent. Not asking him how he felt about her being involved in my pregnancy. I even consider not asking him how he felt about being out as part of things that I/we should have talked to him about before making final decisions. He dealt with it, but I think he was just content. The resentment was probably always there. I wonder if he was ever actually happy with this arrangement. He described it as having happy "moments," but for about x % of the time, he was just content and going through the motions. The messed up part is he was not heard. His concerns were valid. You could say he was dismissed. I admitted to being complacent and a list of missteps. I admitted that my relationship overshadowed my marriage. I admitted that I could understand how he was feeling. I put myself in his shoes, and I would have left years ago.
I think he will recover in due time, but it is not going to be remotely easy. I am not rushing him, but I am encouraging him to take his time and do what it takes to feel comfortable. He knows that I am here for him in any way he needs me to be.
Tiny glimpses of trust are emerging. Every step forward means there will be a few taken backwards. Counselling is a weekly thing, and it has helped tremendously. That is the one time of week where he opens up to me. Other than that, he keeps his feelings to himself and isolates when we are at home. He does not trust me with his heart, so I have no choice but to respect that. He talked to me over lunch, but I could tell he was holding back.
You do not speak out of turn or too much. I always enjoy your comments and appreciate your insight. Thank you for the support.