Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-16-2013, 10:36 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I know that once trust is lost, no matter what the reason, it can take a long time to heal it. I have a history of being an easy giver of trust, but once I feel betrayed, I am much more wary. I can tell you that the church will never get my trust again, but then that's partly because I know the church doesn't value my trust. When someone feels like their trust is valuable to you, they will be more willing to return to it eventually, even if it takes a long time. I see progress with Matt, but I also don't know if he will ever trust poly again. Given that, it's no wonder why you're not feeling too trusting toward poly either. I think regaining Matt's trust is the most important thing to you right now. It will be a lengthy and complicated process. What would more poly accomplish but to push Matt away even further? I don't blame you for not wanting to touch poly with a ten-foot pole.

I think you can be poly-friendly without being poly per se. I am in an MFM V, so it's just us two guys (platonic friendship) and one gal. This means each guy only has "half a wife," whereas the gal has "two husbands." So yes, the men end up filling some of their time with things they might not have time for in a one-man-one-woman situation.

I could probably look for an additional partner if I wanted to, but I don't really want to. So I am not really all that different from your position with respect to poly. Technically, both us guys are monogamous, only she is the one who is living polyamorously. But the guys have to be poly-friendly of course, or it wouldn't work.

If I remember right, Matt knew you were poly-minded before you guys got married, so he was technically not blindsided by that part. However, I think he discovered that he was not able to tolerate a poly existence, and when he came to you with that concern, he felt that he was not heard. That's the point I think where things started to break down, where Matt started to feel like he was being dismissed, and was not important to the woman he loved.

He has to recover from that injury, and I'm sure the recovery won't be quick or easy. But I am still hopeful. It sounds like glimpses of trust are returning to him. It is actually quite encouraging to see that, when you think of how short of a time it has been. Stay with the counseling, I think it is helping and will continue to help.

I kind of hope I don't speak too much out of turn; I know this is your blog and I do respect it as your space and platform. Unfortunately, I'm quite a long-winded type. But I do mean to let you know that I support your feelings and position.
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