Hi Egoscout. I'm Jim.
I just did this scenario. My gf at work, (Stretch) entered into a relationship with me under the guise of a breakup. She failed to mention when said breakup was over. Then she claimed she wanted to continue with me. I said I wouldn't continue unless her bf was informed of our relationship. She agreed. She delayed. She claimed they talked. Then she'd claim there was a miscommunication and she hadn't actually talked to him. Then things were too heavy to talk about. Then she said they had talked. Then they hadn't talked. Then they were on a break. Then we slept together. Then their break was over. Then they didnt talk...again....
I wanted to believe she needed time to adjust and get her head around things. Poly is a big step. I had to be patient. I loved her. I was patient. She continued to mislead me. I made excuses for her.
I have the kind of wife who lives compersion. My wife brought lunch for the three of us to work. My wife tried to befriend my gf. It was wonderful and i wanted to believe.
It took a long time for me to get my head to a place where i could see that the lies my gf told were lies. She lied to me. She lied to her bf. She lied to my wife. She very much loved the attention i gave her. She thanked me for introducing her to poly. She forgot the part of poly that includes honesty having a huge role in each relationship as a fundamental unshakable constant, despite having had that explained ad nauseum. Stretch claimed to love me and to love her 7 year bf. She said things were different with me because i could accept her honesty and he couldn't. If this sounds remotely familiar, you were being manipulated and used.
We've broken up now. Every day when i see her, it hurts a little. I miss her. I wish she had been able to be honest. I would have given her the moon, and my wife would have helped me, happily.
My wife had called the situation way sooner than i had. Stretch loved me, but her brand of love includes situational and selective honesty. It was unreliable and inconsistent. I chose to overlook it in hopes she'd be able to achieve it. She never quite got there. All the while my feelings deepened and my wife cried and struggled. We discussed. We got frustrated. We agreed to give it just one more shot. A bunch of times. A few more talks.
There's no point to this rambling except to say, I know what you're feeling and it sucks. When i ended my relationship with the gf, she was ok. I hurt. My wife hurt.
Lots of lessons learned, and Nancy and I have come out stronger and wiser than we started. Tons of honesty is in order. Your honesty won't always be pleasant for Pol. Her honesty wont always be pleasant for you. I don't believe pleasant is necessary. I also don't believe you both have to heal or understand at the same rate. Your wife got uncomfortable. You were in deep and developed some real and deep feelings. Supporting each other does not require being identical. Follow the truth. Do it better next time.
There is a japanese proverb that i love... "Fall down seven times, Get up eight" maybe it'll help, idk
I wish you both the very best.
Last edited by NutBusterX; 04-16-2013 at 05:51 AM.