I've been thinking today about the issue of equilibrium within relationships when it comes to time. Not between relationships, as in the oft-discussed topic of balancing time between poly relationships, but within individual relationships. I'm feeling out of equilibrium with regard to the time Clay and I spend together. Sometimes it feels like an ache, sometimes it feels like a weariness, sometimes I forget it for a while only to remember later. I just miss him. :/ It's been four whole days. *dramatic sigh*
Equilibrium: mental or emotional balance, equanimity.
Davis used to feel this way with me. He was always seeking to spend more time with me, while I was always pulling away. Over the course of the last year and a half, and especially recently, we seem to have found equilibrium. Currently we have a once-a-week standing date and occasional meetups outside of that. He seems more satisfied than I remember him seeming back in the day. My impression is that he'd still like to see me a little more, but that this is working for him. I think that he's gotten a little less needy within our relationship, and I've gotten a little more willing to be available.
With Gia, it's been the reverse, I've been the one always aiming for extra time together, and she's been the one always trying to convince me that she just doesn't have it to give. In the last couple of months, my neediness about her has eased significantly. She's also been making more time for me. We have once a month dates, a weekly exercise class that we hit maybe every other week, and other group activities where we spend time together. It's such a relief, not to feel this constant tension in my relationship with her, it makes it so much easier to enjoy the time we have together.
With Clay, it seems like we both are feeling the yearning for more time, but our schedules just seriously do not align well. We may not see each other this week.
I would settle for just sleeping beside him, just being near him, I don't need a full date. I've left the decision in his hands, he said he'd let me know if he thought there was a doable time. If, in the end, he doesn't, maybe that means he's not feeling the pull towards me as strongly as I am towards him (though judging by his words, at least, he is), or maybe it just means he's pulled in more directions right now than I am (objectively, he really is). Or a combination of both. Whatever the case, it's clear that we're not at that point of equilibrium.
I feel so bad for the new-to-poly people who try dating folks in Clay's situation, who have more than three partners. People who are used to being mono, used to being someone else's whole romantic world, and who suddenly get such a limited slice of time from someone they're feeling NRE with. It's HARD, but at least I have other relationships to focus on, at least I understand how difficult it is to manage this balancing act and can relate.
I wonder how much of my need for him is NRE, chemicals, craving him like an alcoholic craves a drink. When I focus on other things, I'm fine. But I think of him SO much. I'm trying to dial it back so that I don't stress out over it.
I wonder how much of it is just him, him, him. His short, soft, shaggy hair that I run my fingers through and occasionally hold without pulling. His expressive, multi-colored eyes that look at me so warmly and intently. His soft, thin mouth that so frequently kisses mine when our faces get close enough. His hands that caress me and grab me and smack me and hold me tightly. His body, that melds to mine when we're falling asleep together. His self, so busy and multi-faceted and open-minded and vulnerable, so remarkably quick to hear and understand me.
I wish you all could see him through my eyes and know him through my heart. I apologize for how cheesy that sounds.
Equilibrium. I'll be happy when we get there.