I have high days, and then, I have low days. The low days are those points of realisation. The high days are the happy days.
My low of now is trying to figure out what exactly did I have to compromise or give up. The imbalance is all too obvious. He gave up his beliefs in monogamy. He gave up his idea of what a marriage meant to him. He gave up this and that. And what did I give up? Drawing a blank. I had the world, and I am finding that I did not need it.
We have mutual friends and hobbies, but that was never an issue. We always had time to ourselves and always did things separately. He is heavily into sports. Not my thing. I am more into the arts, so if I was attending Cirque de Soleil, he was doing his thing elsewhere. Sometimes we would meet for dinner with friends, or it would turn into ladies/guys nights. I must admit that it feels kind of awkward sitting at home now. It feels like he cut me out of his life, and there are these parts that I was not and am not part of due to my other relationship. Checking in did nothing for this feeling. I was aware that he was doing something with his time. I do not expect him to stop doing those things now that I have re-inserted myself into his life full-time. Could I take up a hobby or something to fill that time? There is nothing I care to do. These days I like being at home, but I feel distant from him because he has not let his guard down. He is treating our marriage like it is still a polyamorous arrangement. The sleeping apart, the nights apart, the quiet time when we are in the same room, and everything. Poly in a time wise sense at least. He is afraid to get too close to me, and that is a great feeling. He does not trust me with his heart. Even better feeling. Let me tell you. I sure made a mess of things.
When I look at our issues, I have to admit that poly played a massive part. Prior to all of this, we never had knock down drag out arguments or went to bed mad. We talked like civilised human beings. We were able to convey things without yelling and in a respectful manner. Then, my other relationship started overshadowing our marriage, and that went out the window. That was around the time the displacement started happening. It was gradual. That was probably when he came to me the first time or ten, and I downplayed his concerns. Every single time I did that, I would imagine that the resentment kept growing and growing. He reached a point where he buried it and stopped letting it eat away at him. It blew up this year when he reached his breaking point. A series of events triggered it. Everything came out. When i finally heard him in counselling that second time, he described a hell filled situation. Everything from being displaced to not feeling important or needed to feeling like a sperm donor to our children. That cut like a thousand knives. He said he felt like that because his opinions regarding our children stopped being heard by us, and he felt like the sperm donor to a lesbian couple who always wanted children. That seriously made me feel like the worst person ever. That is like me being their mother and feeling like I have no say because Matt and Si are making all the decisions. I would feel undermined, and that is exactly how he has been feeling.
I have to admit that we might have had issues, but I doubt that they would be anything like this. I am trying to take it day by day, but it is a challenge on all different fronts. I am beyond discouraged and even disappointed. My "cons" list for my poly journey is steadily growing. My "pros" list ended ages ago. I am still digging.