Originally Posted by FullofLove1052
In what alternate universe is it ever okay to tell someone to "get a hobby" to fill the void of you wanting to go fuck someone else and take time away from you and your relationship? In essence that was what Matt was told. He took up a hobby on my date nights. He was so accustomed to having pieces of me that he cannot even adjust to having me around all the time now.
I speak from experience, even in a mono marriage, to isolate yourself from friends and the things you love to do (useless or not) is NOT healthy either. I spent years doing this, not because my husband demanded it, but I was under the impression that we needed to have joint friends and joint activities if I was to be a supportive wife. I was miserable and it took me years to figure out why.
I find it very interesting that many of the complaints I see from mono partners virtually echo some of the same things I have said to my husband when he was overly involved with his activities/hobbies. These problems are not just isolated to the poly community. Now that I do have hobbies that take me away from my family, I have to pay careful attention that I don't let myself go overboard. Sometimes, I just have to force myself to not accept every invitation I get, because while it would be very fun, it's not fair to my husband or my kids. Checking in with each other is extremely important.
Before marriage counceling, when I would mention that my husband was "too busy", he would tune me out. Eventually, it would quickly deteriorate into a fight where I would say that I hated the organization and his involvement in it, because... His knee jerk response was always "Well, I'll just resign from everything..." Of course that wasn't what I wanted, but I could never get through his head that I just needed a better balance not extreme whip lash inducing shifts. However, while trying to repair something that's broken, sometimes things have to shift from one extreme to the other for a while before you can figure out where that balance lies.
Ask yourself, are the problems solely because you wanted to get fucked by someone else or was it because in pursuit of that, you were neglecting and ignoring Matt's needs? I don't advocate poly over mono or vice versa. I do find it interesting that MANY of the problems that are brought up on these boards (especially with poly/mono relationships) tend to stem from deeper issues that poly just magnified and allowed the mono partner a target to focus on.
Don't get discouraged, keep working and remember 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 1 step forward.