her quick response was "because i have been bred to want a perfect husband that truly loves just me"
Oy. If "exclusive" is the core of what she wanted from marriage why did she agree to Open to begin with?
I am willing to try to understand...in order to honour the commitment to my marriage. It doesn't appear that my wife is willing to try and understand me...at least at this time.
Could accept that and honor your committment then and deal with the other part in the fullness of time when wife is not all het up and not able to take things on board.
One thing at a time here.
I know it is hard to feel, but the the choices seem pretty clear cut here to me.
If that's the current goal you have?
Could cut ties with the GF. Tell her you don't want to string her along -- since she's already leery of "games." But right now with problems in the marriage you can't be a solid BF to her. It's not kind to her to keep her hanging. Perhaps the most loving thing to do is to set her free.
Until you do lose the GF? Wife's not gonna talk to you about working anything
out. If the bottom line is that she doesn't want to BE in polyship, there's nothing here for her TO work on if there's a GF in the picture.
Choose your goal, then align your behaviors, thoughts and feelings toward that outcome. You still might not arrive at the conclusion you hope for, but at least you are shooting for the target rather than going about aimlessly. Try to increase
the odds of success and getting the outcome you seek.
Hang in there.