I am drifting further and further away from poly. I have no idea what is wrong with me these days. I read the way other people talk about poly, and that is just not me now. I do not have this emptiness or urge to have something different. I do not feel like anything is missing. I do not have a sex drive that cannot be handled by one person. (It is high. I mean 10 big O's is my idea of a warm up.) Seriously, WTF is wrong with me?
This is much deeper than my entire world being shaken to its core and my life having no semblance of what it used to be. Why do the past 17+ years not matter now? Why are my fundamental beliefs completely different? Why do I not feel some overwhelming desire to stick to my "beliefs?" I look at people, and it is like, "Should I feel attracted to them, or like I want to get to know them on anything more than a friendship level?" Well, I do not. I am not looking for anyone. I do not want to and have zero plans to do so. I am not even sure I want to be in more than one relationship again.
I find myself feeling the utmost empathy for the mono partners in these poly/mono relationships. I find myself wondering if I treated Matt how some of their husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends have treated them. In what alternate universe is it ever okay to tell someone to "get a hobby" to fill the void of you wanting to go fuck someone else and take time away from you and your relationship? In essence that was what Matt was told. He took up a hobby on my date nights. He was so accustomed to having pieces of me that he cannot even adjust to having me around all the time now. Welcome to my new normal. We can be in the same room and never say a word to each other. I am like a mirage to him. What a great feeling! Not.
I realise why I feel so selfish now. "You have to suck it up and be okay with me opening my heart, my life, and my legs to another person while you are sitting at home with our children or occupying the time with a useless hobby." Or even better. "You have to sleep alone because I want to be in two relationships, and I cannot treat her like a booty call or a part-time relationship." "There is nothing wrong with you. I just have all this love, and I want to share it with the world, so you can either deal with it or drop the mic and exit the stage on the left." "You have to be understanding of me wanting to say forget my vows and let me do me." Whether I said these things directly or implied them, looking back, they sound like shit and make me feel like shit. It is no wonder that I am not sure if I want to return to my old ways.
I finally realise just how unfair it is. A month and some days later and I am struggling to see any benefits. Yes, I was able to love who I wanted to. Yes, I was able to have my cake and eat it, too. Yes, I was able to have co-primaries, co-parents, and blah blah blah. What do I have now? An ex-girlfriend, missing trust, an uncomfortable husband, and I have no idea what or who I am anymore.
It was unfair to Si as well. I had to split my time between home and her place, but after I had children, that stopped. I made sure I was at home every night because I wanted my children to have stability. Plus, I wanted to be home with them. She does not believe in marriage, so that was not an issue. I do not believe in hierarchy exactly, but clearly, Matt and I had different ideas. She slipped into the role of a co-primary, and I forgot one thing. To actually see how my husband felt about that. Honey, I am paying the price now or what?!
Yes, you could say it was communication problems. Not so much the talking part, but the listening part on my end. I tuned him out. I admit that. I downplayed his concerns every time they were presented. "Oh, she is not that involved, or you are just blowing it out of proportion." That was wrong of me. I hope that he can forgive me one day. Communication was not the only problem. I forgot common courtesy and that he had feelings and needs just like she did. I forgot that the two relationships should have been separate. I pushed and all but demanded an interdependent model without consulting with him. I am amazed that it took him this long to explode. What a mess I made. I cannot even blame Matt because he came to me on several occasions, asked to renegotiate things, and did everything I should have done but was too wrapped up to do. What a mess.