Originally Posted by Vixtoria
The 'wrong way' is that wifey wasn't happy. He was honest, and up front, when asked to back off, he did, when things were being discussed and he was told they needed time, he gave it. So while the wifey is trying to make him feel like the bad guy and having done things 'the wrong way' what he did wrong was assume that being up front and honest and poly himself was okay. It wasn't. Poly is only for her and only because she already had an affair and wants to keep the guy in her life. She has mentioned that she agrees that calling it poly was simply "A means to an end" Saying that by doing so then she's not a cheater and they can move on from that.
Just because I've read both their threads and the LAST thing I think hubby needs is reassurances that he was wrong. He did everything right, it was that his gf was new to poly and so it was rough and his wife was new to sharing hubby and so made the gf out to be manipulative whenever she had a hard time with things. Meanwhile wifey was NOT manipulative for the same tears and for pulling the divorce card. Hypocritical when there was no divorce card pulled when she was cheating.
It's more a case of "Poly for me" Wifey wants what she wants and people should fall in line. Anything uncomfortable for her should be vetoed immediately.
Thank you Vix and Natja. You have spared me the irksome task of pointing all those things out. Once again, i am dismayed to see that people are adding things to what other people write, instead of reading the words that are written there for all to see. People see ultimatums where there are none, yet refuse to see ultimatums where there clearly are some. Also, doing things "the wrong way" does not equal "cheating" or "affair". Of course cheating and having affairs are "the wrong way" but there are other ways to make mistakes in relationships without labeling them "cheating" and "affair". Just because LR cheated, it doesn't mean everyone else whose spouse is unhappy with the "polyship" has CHEATED. Talk about "assuming" and "labeling". I thought we weren't supposed to DO that?
Here is a case where we do have both sides of the story, the wife admits to cheating/affair, admits to giving divorce ultimatums, etc. and people are STILL scolding and berating the husband because he's all "um, ah, i know i made mistakes too, and i'm trying to see things from my wife's point of view, but... I keep adding the numbers up and the answer is always the same. But my wife says it should be something else. How do i re-invent math so that i get the answer SHE has?"
Seriously? He's the "cheater"?? Ok, it was fun visiting fantasy land, but i'm going back to reality now, where i live.