This thread is going to be a compilation of mixed up confusion I fear-but if you find a piece that touches you, confuses you or that you just need to address, feel free to ask, I don't mind clarifying!!
Maca, GG and I are (of course) still working through the details of our relationship. There are intricacies that change (even though we've all lived together for years) when you change the relationship from a fearful, treading on eggshells balance to an honest, open and hopefully loving V relationship.
As if that isn't complicated enough there was the affair between GG and I.
Anyway-we've recently made some MAJOR steps in our lives.
I've always been a very loving person. I've felt a deep love for people that lasts (so far) a lifetime. Some I've had sexual relations with, some I haven't.
GG is one of those people;
We have 17 years of being best friends.
17 years of raising kids together.
17 years of loving one another, most of which was NOT intimate or sexual.
Em (known as my sister) is one.
We met when we were 13. She became my foster sister and best friend.
We have 21 years of being best friends.
We have 18 years of raising kids together.
We have 21 years of loving one another, none of which was sexual.
Blaidwynn is one.
We've had 31 years of friendship.
18 years of sharing the job of supporting one another through raising children.
22 years of loving one another, none of which was sexual.
There are others, but these three are the closest, the longest, the deepest. There's a sensuality shared between us, there's a spirituality shared between us.
I call it the "undefinable", and whatever that undefinable thing is that bonds people to one another in a way that they COULD make love to one another and it wouldn't be sexual.... we have it.
Recently Blaidwynn and his wife have been spending more time in the town where we live (they live 300+ miles away). Partly due to my illness, partly due to his illness being more controlled and so they CAN. No doubt there are more reasons now but that's not my story to tell.
Regardless of the reasons this has brought a new piece into the "puzzle" of "me" for Maca. He's seeing more of me AS ME.
He's also seeing love in action.
There's so much to tell-I don't even know where to begin, I wouldn't bother at all, but it seems that if we've struggled, and are finding a path through the wasteland, maybe sharing it will help someone else to find the way through as well....
Last night I found words to explain some of myself. Really it started with Polynerdist joining the board (NO I don't even KNOW him, just the things he said resonate SO MUCH with me!).
His "ideal relationship" post, #30 in
touched me to my core.
I sent a copy of it, with my thoughts and reactions to my "nearest and dearest". Then I took it and wrote out what each part of it means to me in my life-and gave it to Maca (ok yes I also sent that to a few other near and dear friends!).
In reading it, copying it, writing my thoughts I found myself finally finding words to describe MORE of my inner self, and more of why I feel so........NOT "in line with" the rest of the world.
Love to most people seems to be a word that explains a feeling, an emotion in a moment, a sensation that overtakes them at some point.
But to me LOVE is a series of choices, actions based upon those choices, a LIFESTYLE.
I'm not specifying "romantic love" or "sexual love" or "intimate love" or "parent to child love" or "love between friends" because TO ME-there is no differentiation.
LOVE doesn't alter to me, it's a lifestyle made by actions chosen based on a series of choices to be/do loving to the people and world that surrounds me...
What DOES alter from one relationship to the next is how one shows that love, which actions are chosen to express those choices...