Because of THIS:
Originally Posted by egoscout
I started a relationship with a secondary that was wrong--done in the wrong way, and with the wrong person for us.
Every possible mistake that could have been made I did. I lost track of my wife's feelings, I got drunk on NRE, I kept moving forward thinking that everything would work out, and I kept thinking that all of our problems were just the growing pains of having my first emotional bond with a secondary. It wasn't until my wife threatened divorce that I stopped the relationship with the secondary. I know how wrong my behavior was. I know the stupidity of my mistakes.
THIS is arbitrary.
Originally Posted by Natja
He did not have the affair, his wife did.
In my book-(everyone has their own definitions) doing it the wrong way equals not meeting boundary agreements which equals cheating.
She may have had an affair (not addressed in the first post) and in that case-maybe she has some tough work to build trust as well.
But-I wasn't addressing HER. I was addressing HIM in acknowledging that HE went about his relationship all wrong.
As someone who also went about my relationship all wrong-I know how hard it is to FIX that.
If the OP wants some suggestions on how I managed it-I'm available by PM. I always answer PM's and I managed to get through the bs to a happy and viable poly dynamic after an affair AND after a "went about it all wrong" bs by my husband after that.