Originally Posted by Ilove2men
As I read your post I knew I was going to ask you about sexual abuse, but you already answered it. I will divulge a little info about myself. Forgive me for typos. I am on my phone.
I was molested by a few extremely trusted family members. When it was brought to light I was pretty much turned away by other family members I hoped would comfort me. I was on my own 16 1/2 across the country from any friends or family. I had no money for counseling and the only way I knew at the time to say I had no issues with the abuse was to enjoy sex and let it be known to the world I loved sex. There problem solved... Not so much. It reared its ugly little head it very odd ways and because I didn't have the funds to seek help I learned how to help myself. I embraced the pain I became that girl again and let myself crumble in privacy.
I did this because I needed to know what that little girl felt because she needed a voice. I wrote letters to my molestors (in a special journal) I wrote of the painn, the fear, the heart break, all of my insecurities, how I just wanted to be loved for me ect ect. I wrote about how angry I was and all of my childhood plans that were taken away and replaced by scemes to harm them to end the abuse. Ect ect. In a weird way I bonded with my molestors (only in my journal) and I let go of them and focused on this girl having a voice to tell her story. This is something I did off and on. I know it sounds nuts but it helped me start the process of healing.
I was like you, afraid of the ugliness I would uncover. After a while I knew I would be trapped if I didn't find the courage to run full force into the pain so I could come out of it on the other side. The pain was a wall that kept me isolated from those cared about.
So Its possible to to heal if professional help isn't possible. Also, there a lot of nice points in a post I made called my icky can of worms. If you want to do a search. The biggest thing was someone said, " you can have my body but not my mind." It really hit home. I also shared a revelation moment of my sister telling me I'm not that little girl anymore and that I can't be hurt as I once was. Its been a hard journey and it didn't start until I embraced the pain. I wish you luck in healing and my heart goes out to you. And I'm sending you bravery vibes!
PS. the reason why I bring up this instead of your original concern of the want for attention, comfort, or to have sex is because you can't treat the symptom. Treat the cause and the symptom will go away.
wow, thanks for writing this. I was wondering how you have been... you sound so strong. So proud of your journey and where you are. Good for you! I totally agree, facing the pain is the only way for me. Otherwise fear and pain rule my life and then what is the point of living. I have experienced enough to know that once through pain and fear there is a high that comes and that is pure living and loving life. There is nothing like it.