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Old 04-14-2013, 07:20 PM
CharlotteSometimes CharlotteSometimes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Two things stand out to me.

First, I think you need to focus less on him when you're not with him. You are too preoccupied with what he's doing, who he's with, trying to keep track of who's who, how he manages his time, etc., while you need to engage more in your own life. Do you get out with friends, socialize, have hobbies? Invest in your career, your home, perhaps other potential beaus, and even just flirtations? Find something to be passionate about and throw yourself into it! It sounds like you have made him the central focus in your life, and that is why you get upset -- because you obviously cannot be at the center of his.
I think you're right, and this is something that I've been thinking myself recently. I've been in and out of work since we got together (moving location meant I lost my job soon after I started dating him, then a month and a bit ago I was made redundant) and I'm not hopeful to get anything now until I start university in September so I've got quite a bit of free time on my hands.

I do obviously fill my time (not always very constructively, I admit) with rowing and powerlifting (that's about 20 hours a week between them) and also studying (which takes up as much time as I can stand) but I do have a bit of a hole in my life at the moment I suppose. It doesn't help that he contracts so can be very, very busy for a while and then (like the last few weeks) have no work and is therefore in the same situation as myself.

I suppose I've squared the not being centre of his world thing. I'm never going to be more important than his long term partner, and nor do I want to be (that would require actually taking responsibility for him and stuff like that, which is one of the reasons that poly appeals - I can just live on my own without another person to consider tooooo deeply).

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Second, you may always have a degree of discomfort or dissatisfaction in this situation if you are not into having more casual relationships. Given how many other partners he has, and the distance between you which naturally limits the time you can spend together, it would seem that this just will never be as committed and full-time as you would prefer. This doesn't make you flighty. It may mean, however, that ultimately you are not compatible in ways that are important to you.
Yes, again I think you're right. I'm moving closer to him come September so I suppose things might change a little and we'll spend more time together. It would be nice to be able to go to the cinema at short notice, or just hang our for lunch and an afternoon at the art galleries. At the moment it tends to be a longish weekend a month which is quite hard and ends up quite intense and draining to be honest!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Relationships shouldn't be angst-producing. If the scales are too often tipping in the direction of frustration and dissatisfaction instead of joy and fun, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you!
At the moment the balance is ok. It's angsty at times for various reasons but then when I'm with him (and this is totally cheesy) it's like the most perfect thing in the world.

I guess every relationship has it's problems and nothing is ever perfect, just depends how things work out in the future as to how it goes.
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