Originally Posted by loserville
In 2009, we separated for a while but got back together and, one of the things I asked for then was to be open to the idea of having relationships with others instead of running on our old rule of no emotional connection..
Suddenly, without consultation, the no emotional connection rule was thrown out because he wanted Mary badly. I wasn't happy with it, but as I'd asked for this sort of thing back in 2009, I could hardly complain ...
How could he have thrown out the no emotional connection rule when you yourself had removed it already?
I said this in another thread recently, but it bears repeating: for me, stumbling into poly via a friend in an open marriage, this is exactly the sort of post that makes me think some people really do see OSOs not as people, but as toys, hobbies, and marital enhancers.
I see a bit of a catch 22: you understandably want your marriage to be protected--to come first--when you start on poly, yet having a romantic relationship with another person changes things. It's not only unfair, it's downright selfish and cruel, to bring another person in, involve their feelings and emotions, and then toss them to the curb when it proves inconvenient or uncomfortable.
Even putting the relationship on pause is a little problematic. Mary is not a DVD to be watched when it's convenient. She is a person who was invited into this and stepped into it with some trust. She is now used to spending time and emotional closeness with someone she's come to value and maybe depend on a little, someone she looks forward to talking with or seeing on a daily basis. Now she can just cool her heels and find something else to fill that space while you decide if you want the flip or the flop or something in between or something altogether different?
How often can she expect this to happen? How often will she be asked to just step aside for a bit from what is now also her
relationship and her
boyfriend, as well as your husband?
I admit that my feelings have changed over the past year and some months of seeing a married man, of watching the dynamics of poly close up both in his marriage and here on the forum. At first, I felt that I just needed to 'understand' that I'd stepped into this knowing he was married. Now, I feel that a married couple at least equally needs to understand that they are inviting real people with real emotions into this situation, and those people need to be treated with as much respect and care as they would in any other relationship. If BF were to tell me at this point that his wife wants him to take a break, I'd say, Go ahead, just realize I won't be waiting around, and the men I meet on dating sites are highly unlikely to agree to poly.
There is no way in hell I'd be putting my life and opportunities on pause while waiting for a third party to decide where my relationship with BF goes...especially knowing it could happen repeatedly and ultimately be tossed out altogether by her.