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Old 04-14-2013, 03:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I came to a poly dynamic via my affair.

As a sense of perspective:

I committed to "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" September 25, 2009.
Over the next 3 years the boyfriend I cheated with and myself struggled through some HELL re-earning my husbands trust.
Only in the last 6 months or so has that been visible (trust) in all honesty.

It's taken a LOT of suffering on our parts-genuine willingness to basically suck it up and suffer; while he fumed, cried, fumed, cried, left, returned, filed divorce paperwork, moved out, moved in etc.

When you destroy trust-it doesn't just come back because you say your sorry and agree to new terms. Those things are part of apology-but there is still "making amends" AND "suffering the consequences" of your choices.

It sounds to me like you want to skip the consequences part.

Three years of hell-much of it logged on here and/or in my personal blog.
Finally-we're really progressing to a place where my husband and boyfriend are being reasonably friendly metamours and coparents to our children.

I am always amazed by how quickly people who were the ones who hurt someone want to be forgiven and "get on with it". Not that I didn't FEEL that way-but really? If I were the one hurting and angry-I want my partner to honor that emotion, own their part of it and be supportive while I work through it.

I see it a lot like grieving.
They say grieving stages are "at best" 5 years with re-occurence randomly for life... Welcome to breaches of trust. Same thing.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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