Egoscout - i have tried to send you private messages but they don't seem to working properly. I wanted to reach out because i feel we are going through similar experiences at this time.
I developed a relationship with a secondary and, regardless of trying to do everything possible to be sensitive and respectful, apparently did everything wrong. Now it looks as though my marriage is over.
What i have come to learn is that THE TRUTH is the most important thing. I stopped seeing my gf upon my wife's request...but all it did was created resentment and help me realise that i do love my gf. My wife is positioning my gf as a manipulative home wrecker...and simply displaying a complete unwillingness to work anything out by blatantly ignoring the confronting aspects and not communicating. In this process, i am beginning to see that there are things going on for my wife that are far deeper than anything related to when i came into her life. I am talking about deep seeded expectations about marriage more than anything...because despite genuinely attempting to design a marriage that was suitable for our beliefs and principles...at the end of the day, the expression of the marriage by my wife has been nothing short of text book institutionalised co-depenency.
I seriously call for a review of how our culture has designed our understanding of interpersonal relationships...in that it seems to have created the expectations that all connections we have with others can be institutionalised by some dominating idea of how it's supposed to work. To me, it seems far more important to cultivate a capacity to integrate the dynamics of our relationships as they arise, in order to allow for the natural flow of our feelings as they ebb and flow.
If anyone knows of any good threads or references that explore this topic...i would appreciate being directed there.