Vetoed relationship but can't get over secondary
My wife and primary (Pol, on this forum) explained our situation recently in a post: "New Poly Relationship Trauma." I started a relationship with a secondary that was wrong--done in the wrong way, and with the wrong person for us.
Every possible mistake that could have been made I did. I lost track of my wife's feelings, I got drunk on NRE, I kept moving forward thinking that everything would work out, and I kept thinking that all of our problems were just the growing pains of having my first emotional bond with a secondary. It wasn't until my wife threatened divorce that I stopped the relationship with the secondary. I know how wrong my behavior was. I know the stupidity of my mistakes.
Here are the problems that prevent us from moving forward:
1. I still have feelings for the secondary and they are not fading fast enough to help my wife and I move forward and rebuild trust;
2. My wife sees that everything the secondary did was manipulative, while I see her actions as those of a mono person (introduced to poly by me) who stumbled her way through our connection and opening up her marriage simultaneously.
Help me. I WANT to see that I've been manipulated and that this secondary was evil. I want to see her in the same way my very intelligent wife sees her behaviors and personality. When my wife asks me if I can recognize how I've been manipulated by this woman, it feels like she is asking me, "what does 2 + 2=?" And every time I come up with, 5, 8, 43, etc.
Why the hell can't I see clearly? I feel like my mind has been taken from me. How do I get it back quickly? Time is of the essence, because if I don't get this fixed, my wife has made it clear that our marriage will be over.
I dipped into some depression throughout all of this, which hasn't helped either.
There is an older forum post my wife read about a couple in a similar situation. When the husband realized the pain he was causing he apologized and ended the secondary relationship. It is described as a quick, clean, painless process in that post. Is that really how it is? If so, what is wrong with me?