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Old 04-12-2013, 10:46 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163

Originally Posted by Stephanie71 View Post
I'm here, because my husband might be something like poly. - Or maybe it is something else.

We've been together for almost 20 years. For about 10 years I've known of his D/s tendencies. He would have liked to establish an F/m relationship with me, and I tried my best to become more dominant, but I am vanilla.

I had thought we had found a way to handle the situation that suited us both, but 8 months ago, he suddenly confronted me with the fact that he had met another woman in the internet. A submissive woman how wanted him to become his online dom. (I didn't know that he was able to switch, but that's another story).

After many tears I agreed to their relationship. He told me that I came first and that he would end that other relationship if I insisted.

Well, after a couple of months I did insist, but he did/could not end it. Ė And that was a real shock for me. It was proof to me that she was so very important to him. More important than I was.

He claims that he still loves me more than anything else and that the way he loves me is completely different from his love for her. And he also makes the point that he doesnít have sex with her. (They have seen each other about half a dozen times now (so it isnít an online-only relationship any-more). She has knelt before him. He has held her hand and caressed her face. But there has been no sexual contact Ė and none is planned, at least so far.

I feel like he is no longer mine completely. And I want him to be mine completely. She now owns a part of him. Perhaps it is a part of him that never was mine in the first place, but still. Now she is there. In his life, in his thoughts, in his heart. And I feel terrible. I feel humiliated, devalued. And I am so ashamed. I just cannot tell anyone about it. Everyone would tell me to dump him or at least make him decide between her and me. I think I ought to leave him. But I canít. I donít want to lose him. I want the opposite. I want him to be completely mine again. But thatís not going to happen. He needs D/s. And I canít give it to him.

We have both cried so much in the last couple of weeks. It breaks his heart to see me suffering, but there just doesnít seem to be any solution.

I know that you folks canít help me either, but perhaps you can help me find out if this D/s relationship he now has and wants so badly means that he also has polyamorous tendencies which he wasnít aware of before.
This might also explain why he doesnít really feel guilty about it. He is sorry for hurting me so much, because he can see that I am hurt, but he canít really understand *why* I am so hurt.

What was the resolution to the original problem? and how did he handle that? I am guessing he handled it poorly.

I dont know that she is more important than you. Much like the person above me who asked. Is he neglecting you or the household in anyway?? There is the ability to love more than one person and not let it affect the others, so he is probably telling you the truth.

There is no reason to feel bad, or less, or humiliated about this. Actually in our case (mine and hubby's) I am proud that he can love multiple and treat each one like they are thee only one in the world to him. It fills me with great joy that he is so full of love that he enjoys loving others. There is another way to see this.

It's not an easy road no matter which way you go, but your going to get more out of him and a better understanding of things if you both sit down and talk and not make ultimatums until you fully understand all sides of the issues.
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