Argh. What a long, frustrating day it's shaping up to be. And for what a dumb reason.
Clay and I spent the night together last night and had an absolutely delightful time, as per normal. After we went to bed, we ended up talking again about the idea of going barrier-free for PiV at some point (we currently aren't using barriers for oral). At my request, he told me in great detail about his intimate network, who follows what safer sex practices with whom, etc. Some facts to note -- he doesn't have casual sex nearly as often as I thought, instead he engages in casual play of other types (like tying people up). Izzy has about 4-5 regular clients, and isn't taking on any new ones in the forseeable future.
We also talked through a lot of the nuances of our various excitements, fears, reservations, and neuroses about the issue. It was a really good talk, with no resolution provided or expected. He expressed again his worry that talking about it might make me feel pressured, and I again reassured him that it was ok.
This morning, though, I found that I was feeling a little freaked out. This is all really new ground for me, I've used condoms with all of my male partners my entire life except for VERY recently. I wrote Clay an email in which I said that, in the interest of making sure that I don't end up feeling pressured, I'd like to request that we avoid any will-we-or-won't-we conversations about the issue of potentially not using barriers... basically, that he not ask me if I'm thinking about it, not ask me if I've talked to my partners yet, etc. (so far NONE of our conversations have been like that, for the record, it's just been about him expressing his desires and concerns, and me doing the same). I also set a "deadline" of two months from now for when I'd like to give him a firm answer one way or the other. I ended by asking him to let me know what he thought of all that.
He hasn't been online at all today.He's often not online for part of the day, and occasionally not online for all of it, so it's not out of the ordinary. And yet it is KILLING ME to have to wait for his reply. I can hardly think about anything else. Ugh, this is the downside of being this deeply into someone. I'm sure the D/s bent to our relationship has something to do with it too. I'm certain he'll be perfectly fine with my request, but I just really really need him to tell me that.
I just hope that either he responds, or I find a way to stop over-focusing on this, before the dance party tonight. It's actually my birthday today, and a friend has offered to drive us to the club so that I can drink as much as I like, which is exciting. It would be ungrateful of me to not be in a state in which I can have a good time.
Gia is giving me a wonderful, thoughtful gift, and Davis (who already gave me his wonderful, thoughtful gift) has been messaging me with sweet things all day. Dexter wrote me a long, super sweet birthday message too. Clay hasn't mentioned it yet, but, aside from the fact that he's incommunicado today generally, he might not remember -- I only mentioned it very briefly, earlier in the week (I really don't treat it as a big deal).
If anyone has any thoughts at all about any of this, I'd love to hear them. Am I completely, recklessly insane for even considering fluid bonding with someone who's dating a sex worker (even though he and Izzy aren't having sex right now, I'm treating this like they are, because I know their hope is to go back to it)? I mean, I get that she uses barriers with her clients, and is probably much more careful than someone who just engages in a lot of casual sex might be, but she doesn't really know them as people, it's a business transaction, so who's to say whether they're remotely trustworthy... hell, the ONLY thing we can really know about them is that they engage in a high risk activity (paying for sex).