I am finding myself immersed in the poly world on line again these days and its crossing over into my personal life. Life seems full of poly these days at a time when I have lost a sense of what poly is. I am finding myself pushing the parameters of what poly is on line and in my mind. The lines are particularly blurry for me these days and I realize that there might be a shift going on for me from what I used to feel was my poly and what new insights are doing to make a change in me. I guess that's life and I will see where it all goes. My concern is that I will lose some friends and create some enemies as I am being more open with my point of view and less concerned with what people think.
Along with the shift of what my poly means to me I find that I have been shifting in other ways too. I am having realizations about myself and have noticed that I am coming into a new phase with what I do in my work life also. I took shop steward training with the union at my work and it seems to be one more open door of possibility. I am shifting slowly into what I hope will be work as a mediator, counselor, mentor, relationship counselor or something. I feel something coming and each step and door that opens towards it I am taking.
In my mind I am working on my abandonment issues intently. I am done with feeling as if I will never find a heart home and modifying my cognitive pathways to go against that belief I have. I have exclaimed to my partners that they and their families are my heart home. I have thought and talked about them as having their own heart homes and that each of us over laps but has a different experience of that. All of the people who are my heart home are important and come first and its those relationships I nurture above others.
I am also beginning to re-tell myself the history of my childhood in order to move past the lack of trust I have around being abandoned. Along with really sinking my teeth into trusting my heart home I am choosing to believe that I really wasn't abandoned at all.
Story: When I was about 5 months old I was left with some neighbors for six weeks. My dad was away working, as he did every summer, and my mum had to go into hospital. My parents were immigrants and had no family. My mum had no choice than to leave me with a neighbor friend she trusted. I was breast fed at the time (unusually long time for the early 70's where they lived) and was taken off the breast, put on a bottle, left to cry it out in a crib in a bedroom with the door shut, in a apartment of people I didn't know. I was never the same again after the experience. According to my mother.
Years passed and the experience faded, but left its mark. What made it worse, I have come to realize lately, is that my parents, especially my mother, drilled into my head that we were an immigrant family and only had each other. We weren't able to fully trust anyone to be there for us and had to be self sustaining. Add this to my having abandoned (in my baby mind) and it settled in that I will never be able to fully trust anyone to stay with me and when I find that I do, they will always leave and so I must protect myself at all cost and pull away at any sign of being left.
My friend just came back from being a volunteer at an orphanage in an African country. I was heart broken looking at her photographs and found I couldn't where my other friends were fine with it. She explained to me that in the culture she was in they see orphans differently. Everyone raises them. It takes the whole community to fill them with love and belonging and to make them feel they are secure within the whole community. I realized that I have to start thinking of myself this way. The little girl inside of me has to realize that I can be loved and belong to the whole of my heart home family and it will be okay. If that changes then others will fold in and I will always be loved and belong.
I am working from these thoughts to create a whole new brain inside my head. One that will not allow myself to be afraid and traumatized when I find myself alone for too long. Cross your fingers for me?!
I feel as if the poly I am is based entirely on my insecurity, need to belong, fear and hoarding of partners in order to maintain my fucked up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall with one person walking away simply to carry on with their lives. How's that for being fucked up.
At least I admit it.
Thing is I love my partners with all my heart and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stick by me through the work I have to do only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do in its entirety.