Interesting responses. Thank you both.
Part of the issue is I'm definitely overly emotional. When I come to this thread it's not when I'm thinking clearly.
Important note: This is at best a long distance relationship. It's better to classify as online only because even in a perfect world, I'm only going be able to see her twice per year.
Victoria: Running away is an impossibility. I am happier in the last year than I've been for as long as I can remember. There's a lot of NRE in this too. All the highs are high and the lows are low. I CAN and do discuss fears and worries. I'm more talking about timing. She doesn't use her depression as a counter to my feelings. She uses it to explain her lack of energy and enthusiasm. When I express something, she always apologizes and empathizes. She may not feel she did anything wrong, nor that she will always do something different in the future, but she acknowledges, empathizes and we try to work something out together.
Lying: I don't think she has ever lied to me. I suspect it, but there's no way I can confirm it. And they've all been of the, "I'm tired. Good night." and then she goes to chat with someone else... MAYBE. And even if that's the case, so what? She doesn't have the right to talk to someone else? Of course she does. Does she lie to her other partners? I guess? But let's be real, while it's not the optimal solution, it's not all that uncommon. Going forward, the question I have asked is "will you tell me you're saying good night to me if you have plans with G/J/R" and the answer was "probably not." While I would like to know, if she's not comfortable telling me, I can't demand it, and the true outcome is the same either way. She's saying goodnight. But bottom line, I know about all her lovers. She trusts me in ways that are so deep and so sincere. I think trust issues are not me trusting her, but my insecurities. It was only in the last year that I 100% believed that my wife loves me and wants me, and she's never done a thing to come anywhere near violating a trust.
Regarding partners: If we ever have sex, it will be protected. I have a wife to protect. And to clarify, she is only bodily fluid sexually active (and for all i know they use protection) with one person.
Gala: Thank you. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being inconsiderate of a wave of depression. I don't want to make it any worse.
Anyway, we've already talked and she worked it out without me saying anything. She heaped lots of affection on me. If I would let these things sit for 24 hours, they'd all go away. We communicate really well, but we are both pretty emotional.
And the "over all trend" is very positive. It's part of what scares me. The nature of our lives is that there's only so much we can give each other, and we have to work within that framework. But it's stressful when it doesn't line up perfectly.
Thank you both for your responses.
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend