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Old 04-12-2013, 05:05 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 912

Originally Posted by CharlotteSometimes View Post
...he seems to have so many partners...that I struggle to keep up with them. I find just keeping up with the people he is dating/potentially dating/playing with (etc) a job all to itself....I feel like I have very little emotion left over to give anyone else once I've finished thinking about his life...
Is he talking to you constantly about these other people or his searches or his issues or ups and downs with them?

Secondly I get frustrated and jealous of the time he spends scouring the internet and meeting people with a view to future playdates/relationships/etc. I know rationally that this isn't time he could spend with me because of the distance....
I'm speaking admittedly from only partial information, but I'd partially disagree. Time is finite. Time spent scouring the internet for more dates and time spent going out on those dates IS time he might potentially have used to see you. Do you always get together in your town, his town, meet halfway, alternate?

I am finding it hard to navigate the storm waters outside of this little group, if that makes sense.
I guess same as my question above...but is it all stormy waters with him? Lots of drama? Telling you about it all the time? Wanting your input or sympathy? If so, I can understand why you feel exhausted 'keeping up' with his life. But I'm not clear if that's what's happening.

he is keen to make me happy obviously, and he wants me to be comfortable with who he is, but I also know he is nervous about me being a little flighty about it.
What does it mean to be 'flighty about it?' Do you think you're flighty about it or does he say you are?

I know he's had problems in the past with partners new to poly who just couldn't handle it in the end, so I'm really trying to put the leg work in here to try and work out if there's anything I can get a grip on, so to speak.
I'll be honest, I have a huge problem with the concept that someone 'can't handle' another's lifestyle. My BF said this to me almost from the start: "You're smart enough to handle it." No, sorry, intelligence has nothing to do with it. There are smart people who like the lifestyle and smart people who don't wish to live that way. I enjoy our time together, our conversations, lots of things, but there are inherent problems with dating a married man, and if/ when those problems outweigh the benefits, it doesn't mean my IQ suddenly dropped. :-)

If someone prefers monogamy, that has nothing to do with intelligence...or any other measure of ability to 'handle it.' He's had partners in the past who apparently don't want to live a poly life. That's their right. Perhaps they're out on another board somewhere saying, "I've had problems in the past with guys wanting to be poly."

Perhaps I'm reading into it, from my own previous experiences with this phrase or whatever...but it seems to me it's a little bit of emotional blackmail along the lines of, "Oh, poor me, I've had so many problems with people not accepting me, don't be like them." My feeling is that we can love someone, we can like them, they can be great company, but sometimes it's still not a compatible match for a relationship. You get to decide if this lifestyle is right for you. You get to decide if you want a relationship that includes a supporting cast of dozens of metamours and whatever storm waters these are. You get to decide if you want to have a relationship with someone who is using his finite time to look for ever more partners and hook ups and coffees when chances are some of that time could be used for you. I'm not saying dump him or anything like that, just don't twist yourself into pretzels trying to change yourself into someone you weren't, and accepting something if it really does make you uncomfortable and unhappy.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 04-12-2013 at 05:08 PM.
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