Okay, I know I might get flamed or in trouble for this but I have to say something. I've been reading this posts and not posting just because there is honestly SO MUCH.
I will try and sum up but I know I will miss stuff. Here's why I, and probably a few others, haven't replied yet.
1) You are in a relationship with a woman that says she's poly but also admits she will lie. TO SPARE FEELINGS. Sorry, you won't find many people here that think it's a good idea to date someone that is lying to their lovers. For safety reasons, it means that someone you are sleeping with is sleeping with others and you have no idea if they are safe, if someone has something, if you need to up your own protection. She is NOT sparing feelings, just adding drama because she thinks she is protecting herself, but she is putting everyone she cares about in a situation where they aren't ABLE to make informed decisions of their own safety! That's so incredibly inappropriate that most advice would be RUN.
2) You have said that while you are not going to say anything about her lying to other people YOU want her to be honest with you. That you want honesty no matter what and she refuses! The fact that it's not, 'this is hard for me and so I'll try but my instinct for so long is to hide or lie about something I think will hurt people I love.', but just, oh well if I lie I lie to you, that's the way I am, is another sign to RUN!
3) You are confused, because now you have to play detective since she won't tell you the truth. How can you have a good strong relationship of any kind when there isn't trust. No, don't say you do trust her , BUT. If you know she lies to you, you start questioning things she's doing and can't get a real answer one way or another, there's no trust. RUN RUN RUN!
4) You finally confront her saying you just want honesty, the truth and her reaction is 'I have a mental illness!' Look around the site enough, you will find many of us have mental illlnesses. You may even see what a pet peeve it is of mine personally to use it as an excuse. I can state how I'm feeling, how hard it is for me to function, and ask for some time, or help in working out the problems we are having. I do NOT advocate using it as a blanket excuse to never answer a question. Hell, when we were having problems, DH and I, a doctor even told him that because of my depression things I was doing that weren't healthy were me coping and so he should deal. I cringe at that! If it's not healthy but it works, I understand, but if you are being told you are hurting someone else? Then you need to say I need help finding some other way to deal. She never answered your questions, never acknowledged your worries, just says "I'm dealing with depression" as a reason to NOT discuss things? Well then, RUN RUN RUN RUN
I get it, you love her, you want this to work. You want to be able to discuss your worries, your frustrations and even times you feel your feelings were hurt or her actions hurt you. We own our feelings, yes, but in any relationship, if you can not discuss, calmly and appropriately, things that bother you, then things will just build up. It will stifle the relationship. You keep asking if it's 'okay' for you to express yourself to her, to ask for your needs and emotions to be valid and met. Of course it is! However, she doesn't seem to care much about that. She is comfortable dating who she wants and NOT giving them the option of a monogamous or honest poly relationship. She has taken that decision AWAY from people.
Over and over, in many varying questions, the answer comes down to, are both parties wanting to work on it? Can you ask if both parties are interested in doing the work on the relationship? It doesn't look like that is the case. So questions of 'Can I tell her I was upset?' are just redundant. The truth is, you know the answer, you just wish it wasn't the answer.
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year