1. An end to a means? I think it started that way. We were in a situation, and this was a solution to make it work. Stay married. Not have potential resentment over this affair. Build something positive, and new. I do not see it that way now. I see this as something that is so hard (at least right now), but has the potential to be amazing in the long run.
2. He's telling because I'm asking. I keep reading on here that we should both manage our own relationships and I know that means break-ups, too, but since trust is an issue for both of us, we've been using complete transparency. I trust him not to be with her, so I could let this all be done privately (the getting over her part, since that's where we're at). My rational self knows this is how it will work best, but my emotional side wants to know how he is thinking of her or what he is thinking or where I stand in relation to her or a bunch of other things that cause nothing but pain, anger, frustration (for both of us). My goal right now is to try to stop asking.
3. We do take enough time for each other, but are definitely busy with careers and kids. Is that what you meant? We both think the flowing love will be/has been worth it, too. This is just a painful moment. We're meeting with a counselor on Monday to help us through the crisis.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. You have been really helpful both in your support and in challenging me with self-examination and pushing me to grow.