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Old 01-11-2010, 09:45 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Lots of different things going on here.

First, this does sound a good lesson in understanding your own boundaries and comfort level with things. You can theorize all you want, but you can't be expected to know exactly how comfortable you are with something until you try it.
this is very true and i agree whole heartedly. I read somewhere that it is unfair to "try" polyamorous relationships without knowing if its right for you because it puts youre partners heart on the line. I tried it out and i am very happy even though its challange. P is still not 100% convinced it is right for me i think though. I know he doesnt like that he keeps meeting girls who are younger or dont know "what they want". I was one of those girls too who was uncertain but i am becoming more and more certain of what id like and more importantly i think what I dont like. I know i didnt like seeing that kiss. it wasnt jelousy as much as it made me uncomfertable and feel lonely. When I saw him kiss a girl that I had gotten to know I did not feel so lonely or hurt I felt more lucky to be part of something so full of love. He says that even durring those moments he says my whole disposition changes, i suddenly seem less happy.I do notice this sometimes but for the most part I don not, mostly I think he is sort of self absorbed sometimes and thinks this is the case (i dont mean this in a bad way)

The next phase sounds almost as difficult - discussing it with your partner. Part of the communication that I expect with my partners is the ability to talk about something that makes one of us uncomfortable without it being a major drama moment. I wasn't there when you brought that up, of course, so can't know how you framed your request, but there should be a mechanism in place to have those chats where nobody feels like the world is going to come to an end.
at mentioned before i love the fact that i can be so open and honest with P that he encourages communication in a way i never had with my previous mono relationship. That said in the begining of the relationship i felt almost as though he was testing me out. flirting with other girls in front of me, seeing that it made me feel uncomfertable in a way i wasnt used to then saying 'you look upset". back then my instinct was to say "im fine". i think maybe because I felt like I was being challanged in a way. or i was being defensive. I felt like he was stirring up my feelings then blaming me for having them at all. I tend to over analyze (as you can probably tell).

Respecting each others boundaries is important - being clear in communicating them is just as important. Communication requires not only that someone be told something, but that they truly understand it too. Sometimes that second step is missed and the "Well, I told you" is thrown out. That also goes to comfort levels too - when someone new comes on the scene, that is the most likely time for envies and jealousies to arise, therefore I feel that it is the most critical time for going slowly and making sure that the person you love can deal with whatever negative feelings they may be having before proceeding.
I couldnt agree more, thank you so much for explaining this in a way that makes sense.

Sometimes I find it's a good idea, when talking about comfort levels and boundaries, to throw up some hypothetical situations, to "test" where comfort levels and boundaries lie, so that each can know. Surprises are NOT good, both being put in a situation where your lover does something in front of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but also when you do something that you think is perfectly ok, and you learn later that it made your partner feel horrible. So the more talking and working out that can be done in advance, the better, but allow for the "real world" example to take you by surprise, once in a while.

thank you thank you thank you. this post has really helped me out. I have to treat my feelings as valid and rational, or if unrational figure out why and discuss them with P. I think I am putting a lot into this relationship as this is really new to me, but i feel that he sometimes feel like hes putting more into the relationship just by having to deal with someone who is totally new to being in a poly relationship. Its a challange. but I am up for it.
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