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Old 04-12-2013, 03:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,165
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Thanks for the clarify! Much appreciated! I was a bit muddled trying to keep the story straight. It was hard for me to read without paragraph breaks. The text blobs together. Tired eyes.

Quote:
he still has a tendency to let things build up and not talk about what bothers him so conversations about this kind of thing are hard because he isn’t sincere about what bothers him to me, at first.
Maybe knowing he needs extra time to digest and process... you could give him more time and a second time around revisiting the topics? Like..."Look, this seems like bigger conversation. How about we take a time out for X days, and then revisit it again on _____?"

Let me take the liberty there of splitting the needs not met at home into a bullet list so I can read it better, ok? If I get it wrong please correct!

IN COMMON
  • We have a lot of things in common fundamentally and additionally—we like a lot of the same kinds of things and we share many important perspectives.

NOT IN COMMON OR NEED NOT MET
  • we also miss each other on a lot of fundamentally important things like the communication thing. Bottling things up.
  • Relationships with people and what they “should” be
  • what value people have and can have
  • personality type -- introvert vs extrovert
  • intellectual/philosophical/interest desires not being met
  • comforting me when I’m upset has always been a problem.
  • problem with empathizing a lot of the time and when I’m troubled he
  • cannot come up with solutions or even what to say.
  • Some sexual pleasures/desires are not being met either really.

Maybe cleaning the lists up and printing it would help serve as talking points? Maybe some of the needs could be met once he's aware of them? Like comforting you -- do you tell him HOW you want to be comforted when upset?

You state that BOTH are worried about "losing" the other one.

If you guys end up talking and come to find that over time have become no longer compatible in a romance, is neither one comfortable changing the relationship to "exes who are good friends?" Nobody has to "lose" anyone even if the relationship shape changes.

Quote:
I don’t know. I just feel bad about making him uncomfortable but this is so important to me. I feel like I need to go out and experience life and I feel like he may be scared of what that could entail and isn’t really interested.
Well, your willingness is your willingness. His willingness is his willingness.

Talk it out. Sort out the established relationship issues before embarking on building new relationships.

Quote:
What do you suggest we/I do in order to become more prepared?
You can read things together. Just to make an informed decision about willingness to explore more.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p...iola/open.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

He has the right to want his romance shapes to be the shapes that resonate with him just like you have the right to want the shapes you want for yourself.

If it turns out this just NOT his cup of tea? And you DO want this?

You guys may need to change the subject of the conversation from "Are we both willing/ready to try polyshipping?" to "We both are after different things. We are not compatible any more. How do we end the romance with grace and still be friends after?"

I know it is serious talks, but that is part of loving behavior. To communicate honestly with each other about each of your wants, needs, limits in relationship so you both can be happy and preserve your LONG TERM healths.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
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