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Old 04-12-2013, 03:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,381

He's a pretty open person, these are just some big conversations for us to have. He is not a very up front person and will often just keep his mouth shut, so sitting down to talk about things like this are new for him/us.
Hrm. If you moved to polyshipping, this could be a big problem in communications with all the poly players. Even in just the 2 people marriage, it's sounding not as easy as it could be.

If the main goal is this...

To understand my beliefs. Then to figure out how to work together in a way that is satisfactory for us both.
Is your need the acceptance of your polyness? What if he totally accepted your polyness... but still wanted exclusive monoship? Would him opening enough to talk about your poly feelings be enough for you to stay content in relationship with him?

Is he monoamorous? (Prefers to love only one person?)

Or Monoamorous AND monogamous? Does he know?

As I think about it, I believe the accepted unspoken standard has been 'everything but sex' was probably assumed to be okay. And deep emotional relationships are okay too. That's been discussed.
Better to spell it out. Could not assume or have anything "assumed" -- because then it is not a "relationship standard" in the relationship you share. It is an assumption. Maybe he's got some assumptions? Could continue to clear up communication things to be sure you are on the same page.

No, pushing this will not end our marriage. We love each other! He's not a closed person, he's just feeling insecure right now, is my take. And pissed, a little bit as he wants me to just say 'okay, we're monogamous, done' so that he doesn't have to worry. I just won't come off of it because even if we decide not to have other physical relationships, it doesn't change the fact that I am more of a poly-amorous person.
If you love each other, and his need is for "reassure me" ... how do you give it to help alleviate his insecure?

How does he meet your need for conversation and understanding and acceptance of your polyness?

When thinking about his need for reassure... (because to me that is what it sounds like here...) How does this come across?

Well, we've had other men in our bed, he is aware of occasional 'heavy petting' that has gone on with others. We have both worked far apart for extended periods and I have always been (I felt) direct with the idea that another sexual partner (for him) would not destroy my marriage with him. But perhaps I confidently say that knowing he isn't the type to act on his feelings?!
Also, as I nursed and co-slept with babies and I watched him not get the emotional or physical support he needed at home (and be hugely resentful of things I didn't have a ton of control over- as in my body and mind needed recovery time!!) I actively encouraged him to seek that support elsewhere.
As I type that, I see that I"m telling him what's okay for me, but not necessarily asking him what his boundaries are. I need the 'bag' smilie.
He, however, has identified me (correctly) as a risk taker and thrill seeker, with a strong love of being unconventional.
I am only guessing here but if he's not feeling comfortable and feeling upset because he's needing reassure all that stuff would feel like "Aaaahhhhh!" to me. Not really liking any of it but not saying so for fear of "losing you" or something. What you might perceive as "loving him and giving him space to get his needs met that I cannot" he might perceive as "leaving me!" stuff.

You could take more time to ask him about his stuff and where his boundaries are. I know it might be hard if he's not willing to disclose but... could slow it down and be attentive and encouraging. If he's in the place of needing reassure and needing connection with you... could he maybe feeling emotionally abandoned or fearful of that? To where even just talking feels threatening?

Maybe could ask him that?
"Do you feel emotionally abandoned because of these things in the past (list those things up there in quotes)? Are these assumptions of mine just that -- assumptions? Do I meet your needs for reassure? Are there other needs I could meet better?"
I still get the feeling like improving communication here is the main thing on the plate. I wouldn't skip that and rush on to polyshipping. It's good you are trying to sort things out between you. Keep going!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-12-2013 at 03:17 AM.
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