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Old 04-11-2013, 10:13 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Just a few thoughts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Last night was pretty awful, with the 2 of them interpreting my words as saying I couldn't share them, etc. Which is not fair, because I explicitly said that I was not the only person to consider, and that their feelings for eachother were important to me. I said to both of them that these emotions are normal to come up, that I just needed to be heard and work through them, and have the space to feel safe saying them. They both responded that they would just back off, and we didn't have to have a relationship. The more I tried to assure them that was not what I was asking for, the worse it got. So I finally shut up, they both processed what I had said, and today seems good, I got some of the reassurances I was looking for. Still have some reservations, but it seems like we're all going to make it through this.
It seems, from this, that they need a little more time to process things that you say...or they jump right into "drastic fix-it mode" (we'll stop, it's over, etc.) You mention that they are introverts - I am this way as well - I often need at least a day to respond to a situation/statement and really contemplate my response - I often have an initial reaction that then gives way to my "true" feelings on a subject. And if I feel like an answer is needed urgently (i.e. MrS is upset and in pain) I jump right into "sacrifice" mode because I so desperately need him to "feel better." You should keep this in mind for your Saturday talk.

I've seen some really excellent suggestions (here and elsewhere) for conducting these discussions. Some things you might consider - have everyone write up a little blurb about what their primary concerns are and how they think they could be addressed. Share these with everyone BEFORE Saturday but agree to NOT talk about them UNTIL Saturday - this is to give the introverts time to process.

(So you could write something along the lines of: "I am really excited about the connection you two are forming but I worry that I am going to feel left out. And THEN I worry that if I SAY that I am feeling left out that you two will want to STOP forming your connection - because I know you both care about me and don't want me to be unhappy. I want you two to be free to develop your connection - because I want you guys to be as happy as you can be TOO. I think that we could address this by: 1.) making sure that EACH dyad has "alone" time (without sex for now) - uninterrupted by the third person - including texts etc. 2.) We could hold off on "3 somes" for two weeks (or some other shortish period of time) - to let the new dynamic settle it OR we could rotate which person is the "center of attention" for any given encounter 3.) We could all three email each other once a week with our thoughts/concerns/experiences and then discuss them all together a few days later after everyone has had time to reflect.")

Also, you probably won't get through as many topics as you think in one session - and you should plan frequent "breaks" to account for the fact that you are going to be talking about some pretty emotionally laden stuff that each person will need time to process. If someone starts to get upset or agitated...call a break.




Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
I told her I worried I had pushed her and FJ away and she responded that it wasn't that easy to get rid of her.
THIS sounds very, very reassuring to me given your concerns about her levels of communication initially and her expectations of where your relationship can go.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-11-2013 at 10:23 PM.
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