Okay so you have an idea where I am coming from my male partner of 4 years has HSV2 and I decided to have unprotected sex with him. In 4 years I have never contracted it, but just having sex with him I warn all my other partners that it is possible that I have it (I do get tested every six month or so and any time I get a new partner) and let them make the choice.
I don’t think having unprotected sex with someone who has herpes is self loathing or self destructive. It can be if your ex feels the same way about it as you do it might be. But I just wanted to put it out there that a giant percentage of the population has 1 or 2 and it affects their lives very little if at all.
I for insistence contracted HSV1 from my girlfriend (before she knew she had it) and I have never had an outbreak. If I hadn’t gone in for the very specific test I wouldn’t have even know about it.
People have different values and make different choices. Make the choices that are right for you and leave other people to make the choice that are right for themselves. Maybe you ex is falling in love, maybe he doesn’t care if he gets herpes, maybe he understands the risks (You are a lot more likely to get herpes from someone who doesn’t know they have it then someone who does) and decided it was well worth the risk.
Now that I’m off of my STD soap box I will say you have every right to choose who you have sex with and if you feel like you cannot deal with your current partner having sex with your ex (for any reason) and you make that clear then they know what they stand to lose.
So what I’m saying is you are doing it right. You are being clear; you are communicating your feelings. But you don’t have to do it with SO much judgment on your ex, that isn’t helping. And I’m sure your girlfriend would take it better if you talked to her about why possible exposure to this STD is scary for you other than just telling her you won’t fuck her again if she fucks the ex.
Do you feel that you would be okay if your girlfriend having sex with the ex if he hadn’t slept with that chick? Or if he didn’t know if she had herpes? Or if he had used protection? I might be singing in the dark here but maybe the issue and the harsh judgment comes from you not wanting your current partner to have sex with an ex partner?