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Old 04-11-2013, 05:26 PM
elle elle is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 35

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I have to agree with Gala that cheating breaks trust. People in non-monogamous relationships still find ways to 'cheat' by not being honest. And after seeing, on an infidelity forum, the mental torment of lies and gaslighting that generally accompanies affairs, I don't really see it as something a 'good' person does.
Well, yes, of course. I have seen infidelity my whole life- but never heard of polyamory. Perhaps if a positive model (knowledge and consent with all partners) were more known, lying and cheating could be more avoided. That's all I was clumsily saying.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
How long have you been married? Are you saying you never intended to be monogamous with your husband? If so, and given that sexual monogamy is generally part of marriage in this society, why would you assume he knew that if you two never discussed it?
Oh, we've been together 16 years. Married for 11.

Well, we've had other men in our bed, he is aware of occasional 'heavy petting' that has gone on with others. We have both worked far apart for extended periods and I have always been (I felt) direct with the idea that another sexual partner (for him) would not destroy my marriage with him. But perhaps I confidently say that knowing he isn't the type to act on his feelings?!

Also, as I nursed and co-slept with babies and I watched him not get the emotional or physical support he needed at home (and be hugely resentful of things I didn't have a ton of control over- as in my body and mind needed recovery time!!) I actively encouraged him to seek that support elsewhere.

As I type that, I see that I"m telling him what's okay for me, but not necessarily asking him what his boundaries are. I need the 'bag' smilie.

He, however, has identified me (correctly) as a risk taker and thrill seeker, with a strong love of being unconventional.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
And what is his position so far? Is he thinking about it or definitely not interested?
Thinking. Trying to understand. And I'm trying to go slow and let him work past negative connotations and understand what I believe so we can move forward. I don't think he's aware of the term polyamory. That will be our discussion this weekend.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Quite possibly only you can answer why it feels that way to you, but I never once, in my monogamous marriage, felt that my (now ex) husband 'controlled' my sex life. I see monogamy as a gift two people give to one another, willingly.
Thank you.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
You'll find lots of members on this board in this situation. I personally see a lot of heartache on this board in these situations, when one spouse is suddenly handed the news that the other wants to change the rules of the game. It's understandably a problem when one didn't sign up for an open marriage and is suddenly expected to be in one. Others will point out that those for whom it's working are less likely to be on a forum in the first place.

At the very least, I think you can expect many months of upheaval, discussions, working through things, pain on your husband's part. If you are determined to do this and he agrees to try, be prepared to go very slowly.
Again, thanks so much. I see that here also, and that's why I am talking through the whole thing to determine if this model of relationship is worth the risk after years of a monogamous relationship.

Perhaps we decide to remain monogamous and put our energies into more boundaries on the relationships we form... although we did discuss that and neither of us was interested. Plus after awhile I"m pretty sure I would become resentful. And we're just talking the nature of our close relationships here, not sex.
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