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Old 04-11-2013, 05:10 PM
elle elle is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Cheating is not cool. I think it's a big deal to people (in monoships or polyships) because of broken trust/broken agreements. Can't play safe with a liar. If being attracted to others is not a big deal? Tell partner you want to date them. Renegotiate boundaries or end it with existing partner(s), then go date the new person!

Ethics are ethics. *shrug*
Yes, I agree and thank you for restating. I wasn't trying to condone cheating... Just saying 'affairs' are out there so much perhaps being up front and honest is a better model.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I do not know how he expresses himself. There's no verbatim examples given.So I'll assume positive intent and assume he's just saying it is not his fancy. If that is what it is?

If one of his personal preferences/boundaries is "For me to share sex with you, it needs to be exclusive?" It's his right to share his body how he wishes. Nobody is just entitled to his body. He chooses how he wants to share it.

His willingness? Also all his own. He doesn't have to be willing to participate in a polyship.

You have your own willingness. The other polyships person(s) have theirs. For a polyship to happen? All players have to share the same willingness.

I don't think it is "controlling you" for him to have a different preference -- it just is how it is. People's preferences are what they are, and compatibility will vary and can change over time as people grow and change.
Yes, he was positive intent. Just not his fancy. But also something he has not seen a positive model of. His experiences are just with hurtful open relationships that had little regard for the 'primary' partner.

Thanks so much for these clarifications, they are helpful to me. I don't want to railroad things or skew them- kwim?


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You can feel as you do and value what you value. He feels as he does and values what he values. Maybe you do not value the same things. Again -- compatibility issues.

But you do not determine his willingness to "be there for you" -- he does.

And the relationship DOES change if you all decide to polyship with another or others. What you have now comes to and end because things CHANGED to become something else. There's more polymath, players could have transitional grief and feel poly hell weird... it's just not the same anymore. Your feelings might not change. His might. Because his feelings belong to him.

If you are offering polyship? And he's saying "No, thank you. I do not wish to participate in a polyship" -- then he's within in his rights to decline. He doesn't have to accept every invitation or offer he receives. Can't force someone to do something against their willingness. *shrug*

If his willingness is a hard limit "No way, never would want that for myself. I will not participate in a polyship with you." Have to accept that. It would be fresh of you to expect him to go against the grain to suit you. Just like it would be fresh of him to expect you to go against the grain to suit him.

If it is a soft limit that could change in time -- maybe something like this could help guide conversation to assess that some before he gives his Final Word on the subject.

There is NOTHING wrong with how either of you wants to have your romances -- be it in polyship or monoship. All shapes are valid -- but if it is not a shared willingness and shared shape that you both desire? Not compatible then. Could accept it and make the call for how to proceed next.

He has the right to want his romances to come in the shape he wants.
You have the right to want your romances to come in the shape you want.
  • If these wants and shapes align -- great. You can share that.
  • If they do not align, you work it out and find compromises you both are willing to do so you can enjoy being together after all.
  • Or it can't work out all. There is not compromise to be found that serves both. So you choose to not be together any more.

That's about it.

Galagirl
Okay, great. Your perspective helps me a lot. I do think there is room for compromise. However, yes, the potential to have long term effects on our relationship is very real and part of why I'd like to talk and explore here as we do the same at home. I also need to type up 'my story' for a reference point.

He's a pretty open person, these are just some big conversations for us to have. He is not a very up front person and will often just keep his mouth shut, so sitting down to talk about things like this are new for him/us.

I greatly respect the tone of the senior members here. I would not be discussing polyamory at all if our situation had not moved me to, although I would have probably always labeled myself 'free spirit.'

'Ethical non-monogamy' makes sense to me, but it certainly isn't a mainstream way of thinking.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I appreciate them.
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-elle
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