Originally Posted by CielDuMatin
So let me ask you a blunt question - your "strange issues around sex" that you mention - is this something you wish to try to work through so that you can enjoy sex with those who are intimate to you, or is it something that you want to make adjustments in your life to allow for?
I very much want to be in a better place about sex. I believe I can be, I just donít know how. Iím trying to find a therapist but Iím sort of scared of that. I feel like this is an issue that is going to cause a lot of pain and hard times before it gets better and I havenít done my best to pursue therapy because of that. I am trying to change that. Iím also broke as hell and most of the ďpoly friendlyĒ therapists in Seattle are people I know personally and socially which I want to avoid. So itís not a simple thing in the first place but I know I could make it happen if I was pushing more.
It is kind of horrible not to feel safe connecting sexually to the people you love the most. To watch your partners feel hurt and rejected because you have an issue that you canít figure out. To feel like you need to move away from the people you love and trust to have sex.
And on top of that I know I would feel better and less bitter and hurt if I could just have some sex. Iíve never had a problem finding sexual partners but I donít want to just go out and fuck someone I donít have any connection to. (I know that sounds like a contradiction but it isnít) And the 5 people who are the people I would like to have sex with/ know would like to have sex with me are all a) living on the other side of the country 2) married and mono 3) or there partner has issues around me personally 4) an ex who I love to have sex with but who canít just have sex without the emotional baggage and eventually gets very hurt by me, again.
Sorry that was the pity part again. Money and time prevent 1. The whole ďethicalĒ thing prevents 2, 3 and 4.