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Old 04-11-2013, 02:17 PM
juanvaldez76 juanvaldez76 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hi Juan,

That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that?
Not so much anymore... when I was younger (before I met my wife) I had very low self-confidence and very few female friends... my wife helped get me out of my shell so to speak and I began noticing and flirting with other women as my confidence grew... always online though as I had no interest in an actual physical encounter... K knew what I was doing and didn't mind so long as it wasn't in her face

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy.
I would like to meet him one day and yes, we had originally intended for this to be an MFM sexual situation... and I think there is a possibility of that happeneing but only if I get my feelings under control and she realizes that the thought of her and him doesn't bother me... and truth be told if I was there participating or watching, it wouldn't be. I've seen videos of them doing sexual things and being intimate and that doesn't bother me at all... for some reason it's only the parts that I don't get to see and even then only sometimes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover.
We did it because we wanted to get away from the sardine-can-type houses we had been in for the last 10 years, buy a single house we could afford, and plus she had grown up in the country. She has friends but the majority of them work... our original intention had been to have a third child soon after we moved but there were issues surrounding that and it couldn't happen.. and she originally was simply chatting to people onine in a platonic way.... this just sort of happened... she wasn't seeking another intimate relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex.
I wouldn't mind one as I can see the enjoyment that my wife is having... but it's not something I feel a deep desire for... I figure if it happens I'll be open to the possibility but I'm not actively searching for one

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive?
She isn't worn out sexually... she usually has a healthy appetite... but my resentment and jealousy has been pushing her away... A few weeks back when I was more calm and accepting of the situation (it was a good week), we did start being a bit more intimate and sex could have happened but we both stopped ourselves because we felt we were still too raw emotionally and that it would have been too soon.... so I know those feelings are still there for both of us....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?
I can totally understand how NRE can make noobs neglectful of their primaries... I was definitely feeling that at the start when she would spend hours texting him and emailing him and then not have time for me... that has gotten better in the last little while and they aren't nearly as obsessed with chatting non-stop all day.... and we do try and do more together... just with 2 kids and not a lot of extra money it becomes difficult to find the time (or babysitters).... but we have been trying

and I think it's been hard to show me gratitude when I haven't exactly been the most supportive person I could have been.... it was difficult at the start to accept that she wanted to be intimate with someone else without me being involved and that lead to talk of separation.... but we are passed that now and I'm trying to deal with feelings and insecurities as they arise in a positive way instead of freaking out and getting hurt.
__________________
Me: 36 yo married male
K: my 34 yo wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years
M: K's 30 yo bf
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