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Old 04-11-2013, 05:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,713

Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
... so are you telling me you didn't ever have initial expectations in monogamous relationships?
I can't speak for anyone else here, but no, I never had any initial expectations for any relationship...because I never planned on being in a "relationship" in the first place. (Long version in my "Journey" blog here.)

When I found myself (unexpectedly) IN one we had to discuss and work out every single detail of what that meant to each of us and how we would proceed from there. That actually worked out great - we've been together 21 years. When I found myself (again, unexpectedly) in another relationship...we had to work out what exactly that meant and how we would proceed from there. That is working out fine so far - we've been together for 2 years.

So, from my standpoint, I am batting .1000 on the "no expectations" front.
Maybe I don't "want" something until I have it right in front of me?

Seriously though, a lot of the strife and problems I see in the relationships around me (friends/family/etc.) - stem from the "expectations" that people bring to the table (and these are predominantly hetero mono relationships - where people think they are expecting the same stuff - they aren't).

More people = more expectations to reconcile.

Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
I guess the hard part for me is, how can you care about x, y, and z all separately and not want them all to be included.
There is a nothing wrong with "all together" if that is what everyone wants. The number of people who WANT to be "included" in this manner...? Dude and I had a minor skirmish over this once - he assumed that two bisexual polyamorous women who were interested in him would, of course, be interested in each other...SO not the case. You don't "include" someone in a relationship the way that you "invite" them to a party. Relationships are between individuals - they don't all grow/evolve at the same rate.


PS. There may be an introvert/extrovert take on my answer here. In general, I don't like people. I really don't like "groups" of people. I prefer to explore people one-on-one and "in depth". (Yet I enjoy "group sex" - go figure)
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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