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Old 04-11-2013, 02:38 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 879

I agree No Cheaters is a great rule. However, veto-power would never have been an issue had your husband followed the rule in the first place.

Originally Posted by Pol View Post
We have never been closer. ...This processing and learning and falling in love with each other all over again went on for about 4 months.


I didnít feel too threatened, physically or emotionally by these women. They were cute, but not stunning. They seemed nice, and he had a good time. It resulted in sex a few times. One relationship is continuing. Occasional dinners, kissing, sex. Weíre a busy family, so there isnít time for a huge focus on a secondary.

.... [from later in the post]: I was threatened by this woman due to 1) jealousy (beautiful, younger, sexy) and 2) fear (he already really, really liked her before I ever heard her name, what if he replaces me with her?).
As a secondary, this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me cringe as I try to understand how poly couples really regard secondaries. I struggle as it is to understand how these outside relationships are not regarded as toys and marital enhancers, and your post would certainly make me think that's exactly what it is to you. You and your husband are closer than ever and more in love than ever, thanks to these other women...but, meh, they're no threat to you, cute but not stunning, most definitely not all that, and you and he don't really 'have time' for much of them, anyway, (beyond his sexual encounters with them?)

If I'm taking the wrong impression from this, please elaborate on what safeguards you and your husband have in place to remember that these women, as much as they're so very much not all that, that they're no threat to you, are still human beings, with real feelings and real lives. Are these women single or married/with boyfriends? From the poly world or is dating your husband their first experience with poly? If they fall in love with your husband, what will the response be? If they want more out of the relationship, what will your response be? I do hope you'll consider these things before continuing.

So, Iíd feel close, and then another small bomb would be dropped and Iíd retreat. It went on like this for about a week. It felt like an affair, even though nothing physical happened, simply because it broke the rules of our new poly agreement (open communication about all relationships, budding or existing). This may seem stupid, but it did feel awful.
I think everyone here will understand. It's not stupid at all. Lying and deception are the essence of affairs, moreso than actual sex.

She decided to talk to her husband about opening their marriage. So, it looked hopeful.
Just curious what your thoughts were on a woman dropping the "I'd like to have sex with another man even though we agreed in our marriage vows to monogamy" on her husband as a result of her interactions with your husband and encouragement from him?

This caused me nearly daily crying for the last two weeks...
She is really sad (cried at work for over a week, which I also found to be so manipulative).
Instead of stopping it honorably and using my veto power, I acted dishonorably, and threatened divorce, even though I really, really do not want to divorce this man.
Her tears are manipulative, yours are heartfelt and should be honored? Her tears are manipulative, your threat of divorce is....not?

She is also really angry and told him it was unfair. She said she did all this work to open her marriage and then I get to pull the plug. I see that, by the way. But it doesnít matter. I canít keep going the way it was going. It was so painful!
Your pain matters. Hers doesn't. This is at the crux of my problem with veto power, and my feeling that there are serious inherent problems with polyamory: how often is the core couple going to drop the secondary if he/she threatens their relationship, vs. how often does the secondary have any power to drop the spouse (metamour) if the spouse interferes with his/her relationship? Divorces do happen in polyamory in which the OSO becomes the new spouse, and yet there's also this inherent imbalance that is unfair to the OSO.

I think there were so many things wrong with this, from how it started dishonestly to how manipulative the other person seemed to be....
If tears are manipulation, there's been that from you and her both. But I do agree he should have stayed away from a cheater to begin with.
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