Now to this week....if you're keeping tracking of time this is just a mere 8 days since our first threesome, and 2 weeks from the subject coming up....Mondays are MD's nights off of work, and FJ and I were both really hoping she would come over that night. There had been lots of sexy flirting via text all day between the three of us. That night, MD couldn't come over, but we had a little fun via text, and FJ took the lead with the texting. At this point, I'm still a happy camper, and happy that FJ and MD are talking and building feelings for eachother. Yesterday evening, we went to have dinner at MD's house. Totally unplanned, on a school night. We had the kids with us, and all enjoyed the warm day, some cold beer on the porch and pizza and movie time. MD & FJ had a new intensity for eachother last night. I could feel the electricity, and they both described it as mind blowing and out of body experience. When the sun went down, the kids all went in to watch a movie, and there were lots of make out sessions between all of us, but certainly MD & FJ more. After everyone was asleep, we moved into the bedroom and they had sex twice. They both played with me, but when they were together, it was def like I wasn't there. The intensity I usually feel with the both of them when I'm with them wasn't there, it was their connection. FJ took the kids home and I stayed at MD's house since I work early in the morning right down the street from her place, and we live pretty far away. I also got up to give FJ a kiss goodbye, and he lingered with MD and barely hugged me.
MD could tell something was wrong and immediately asked me. I said that I felt we got carried away, I was uncomfortable with the kids being asleep elsewhere on a school night and then home late, but that I was happy for them. I said that I felt a little uneasy, but that I was unsure why and needed to sort my feelings. We talked a long time about the future, and how I was scared that we would hurt her. (I've read so many stories here from a secondaries perspective to try and make sure we aren't falling into the same traps). She said that she had her eyes wide open, and wouldn't be involved with us if she didn't want to be. When I pressed her about what she wanted/needed, she said she'd never have what FJ and I have, that she wants someone to share her life with, someone to make coffee for her in the morning. But she said she knew she'd never have that. She's been screwed over pretty hard in her life. And she always says-"It's not like this can be much more than it is now, but I don't want to lose you". Refer back to my future-planner-goal personality, and you know that hurts to hear. We ended that convo with the purpose to live in the moment and enjoy it and stop overanalyzing and worrying about what the future should look like. (We live in a VERY small town, and could absolutely not come out without perhaps losing one or all jobs) We fell into bed together again, and then blissfully asleep.
I woke up this morning next to her, feeling mostly good. A little worried about last night's events, but not too bad. As the day progressed, I certainly did not feel okay. I am a jumble of emotions, but this is what I've got so far:
-The intensity of FJ & MD's connection while they were together yesterday surprised me. It was fast and furious, and I didn't expect it to be that way so quickly.
-FJ did not have sex with me to climax last night, and that bothered me paired with the intensity they were sharing. Made me feel unwanted.
-MD said a couple of times how she wasn't really attracted to women, that I was the first, and she never imagined being with a woman like she is with me. This was all said in the context of-"but it's amazing", but it felt weird to me. I can't put my finger on why.
-After FJ left, MD said that I got her off faster and better than FJ. I believe it was in an attempt to compliment me. But I don't ever compare the sex I have with the two of them, and I didn't like being compared, especially after all that had just happened. It felt like a consolation prize.
-After FJ left, MD and he texted several times and it irritated me. All about how amazing the night was, very sexual things, etc. I got a text from FJ that said goodnight, have a good time with MD. Again, I felt slighted.
-MD is the only person FJ has ever been with besides me.
Up until last night, I felt total joy when the 2 of them flirted, made out, had sex, texted, etc etc. I'm not sure how to handle my feelings about this. I don't know if I'm jealous, insecure, upset, or what....or all of those things?? In my attempt to tell MD how I was feeling, she is now feeling guilty. Saying she was afraid this would happen, that she'll back off from our marriage, stay out of the bedroom, and that she saw fear in my eyes last night. I am trying to explain that last night was the only time I had a problem at all, that I was conflicted, and just working things out. That I needed reassurance, not for her to back off necessarily.
I know that her and FJ both still feel like last night was amazing. In fact they are telling eachother I love you. They both still have intense feelings for eachother-NRE. I don't feel like it's fair of me to ask them to give any of that up. After all, I encouraged it. Who the hell am I to have a pity party over being insecure about what went down one night.
Question is, where do I go from here?
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous