in all honesty i love him. and i think thats why i stay. i love her too but not the same because its been so rocky that she hasnt given me the actual chance to love her how i have wanted to. i know it may sound like an insubstantial excuse to state but, when i see myself walking out that door i see my potential life with him in the future vanish. she has become part of me but its been so hectic that its hard for me to relax and just take her all in because its so crazy. the lack of communication skill between me and BF also damper our relationship because of the bickering among us. there's been more fights. not that there wont be arguments but, they escalate pretty badly, something i do not want to continue. I honestly think sometimes i am just going insane but, sometimes i am like no i am not. She does spiteful things and wants alot of things her way and throws a tantrum or gets an attitude or cries if she doesnt. Its like nothing is ever good enough and i cant live like that. I told them that. even though hes constantly asking me if ill stay if GF decides to leave, i feel like it wont happen. I do love her but sometimes i do wish she would leave, because me and BF get along fine, sometimes he doesnt even bring her up im the one who reminds him. we both are on basic grounds when it comes to the relationship, she is more of the iffy onbe in situations. also, this is her first real relationship, and then on top of if its with two people now instead of one so i feel like her childish ways will put a damper on progress. it hurts because i have been so open to her and now she has opened up tremendously but its opening up on her terms. its seems that alot of miniscule things bother her. for example we had plans yesterday and BF wanted to just stay around the neighborhood and go to the park. i was already in that type of mood even wanting to buy a glove to play catch. i met up with BF at a local store and told GF that we met up and will be home in about 5 mins. her demeanor changed after i said that. we got home and she was in a bad mood. already she was thinking about past things and with an attitude and once BF told her we werent going out out we were just staying around and going to the park she got extremely upset and made plans with a friend to go out. she went to a restaurant lounge. The girl she went out with has a rep of lying and being sneaky towards he BF so our BF was a bit worried about it. when she got home she didnt even want to lay next to me it had to be next to BF. and she explained that it was hot but in reality the side she was on was fine as soon as she layed next to me she got upset and after a sel pity party of crying had boyfriend lay in the middle. she made a show twice yesterday crying when we are supposed to move forward. and everytime i call her out on her behavior she has more than one excuse or she doesnt know why she feels like that or said it or doesnt remember or something. all i want to do is be happy without having to lose my BF in the process because of the back and forth. He begs me to just stay no matter what, and everytime i look at him all i could think is i dont want to lose you in this process i just want to be closer if anything. My eyes swell up just writing this the worst feeling in the world is being tormented in your own relationship. its like you know when someone says something to you and your thinking thats a load of crap and you know its a load of crap? thats how i feel alot with GF. things she says and does dont add up. like ifyou want to be here than just be happy otherwise be honest.
I honestly just dont want to lose BF even though my heart and mind are telling me i might not be able to deal with this forever. Hope all is well with you all though. Sending my well wishes to everyone who has supported and has lent a shoulder for me.