Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-10-2013, 02:51 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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I do not object, but I cannot definitively say that it is something I just absolutely must do to maintain my happiness. I am realising that I can be happy with one person. I am not in the position to put a time frame on that. That is what is confusing people. I do not feel that anything is lacking in my life or that I need something more. I do not expect to feel that way this soon. I just ended a long-term relationship, so no, I am not in the mindset of being ready to date again. It has not even hit the 14 day mark, yet. I am poly in theory/identification, but mono in practise for the time being. Realistically, I just did not have the time to fight for my relationship and marriage. One or the other was going to get a bum deal. When I decided to end it, the relationship was the bum deal. All the pulling away, the not talking to me, and the overall stress. It had to end. I am sorry that it did, but I knew my limit was spilling over.

I prefer not to qualify. I cannot say when or if I will be ready to take on another relationship. It could be six months, or it could be six years. It could be never. And thank you. I have taken a liking to you as well, and I love reading your posts. Always interesting. People around me are ridiculous, and I do not feel bad about cutting them out of my life.

I think a lot of people are optimistic, and I am to a certain degree. I just choose not to paint the beautiful masterpiece of perfection because it does not exist. If that were the case, we would not have hundreds and hundreds of threads about problems happening and such. People need to know what they are getting into. My situation is a perfect example. I risked and lost quite a bit, and I never really realised it until it was almost too late. Now, I am doing damage control. It is not all rainbows and lollipops.

This transition has not been easy by any stretch. It is one major adjustment. For 17.5 years, poly has been all that I have practised and believed in. Even if it was just me and one person for a given amount of time, we knew it was probably not going to be like that forever, so that expectation or standard was never set. Now, I am having to make amendments and adjust accordingly to my new dynamic. It is major work to undo what has been in motion for more than half of my life. It is a daily struggle, and I do not see it getting any easier. Especially once the grief stage of my relationship ending is over. Who know how I will feel then? I see why Matt is not wanting to get comfortable with this arrangement.

Writing here has been a form of therapy, and it has helped. I cannot say I have any friends who have walked this path, so they are understanding some of it but not all of it. They respect it, and most agree that it was the right decision to make.

Thank you. I always have a lot on my plate. I am a busy bee 24/7. I am being forced to relax the next few days. I am under strict orders from my husband and best friend. Stress is not welcome. I was told to leave it where it was and empty my mind. I am not allowed to work on anything work related. My children are with Matt. (He is too much like George Lopez with his, "I got this," statement.) No telling what I will return home to. I foresee our little artist of a son colouring on the walls like it's his personal canvas. I am to have fun, sip fruity cocktails, go dancing, do yoga, visit a spa to be pampered, be one with nature, read a book, enjoy some time alone, and enjoy the wedding festivities. I can handle that.

Thank you. I am looking forward to a new beginning and a new chapter in this novel of life.

I wish all the pain could have been avoided, but we all have to learn from this and grow. My way of coping has been to correct my mistakes and work on one relationship at a time. Si's way was pulling away and shutting me out. Matt needed time alone. That time helped him, and he came back with a fresh perspective and an open mind.

In due time, Si and I might be able to talk or even get back together. Who really knows? Now just might not be the time for us. I still love her. Love is one of those lovely things that is not like a light switch, so you cannot switch it on and off. In the mean time, I am just taking it day by day. I do wish that she would talk my children. I would not want them to think it is anything they did. I have tried to explain it to them as best I could. The oldest is just accustomed to her always being around, and now, she is not seeing her at all. She picked up on it immediately and started asking questions, as I would expect from a very inquisitive and curious child.

Thank you for the vote of support.
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