Ah, let me clear a few things up! I know there was a lot to read… a lot of layers, as you said.
First, thank you for responding in such detail! It means a lot to be able to vent about this stuff to someone.
Second, what is polyshipping? Is that like… a transitional period? I’m sorry. Lol
Third, my father passed away, not my uncle. It was extremely painful and still is. So there is always baggage there, I think. It’s getting much better and doesn’t really affect my daily life or anything like it did for a while so I don’t know what to do to improve that.
Another thing, I am fine with porn now. I have changed immensely since I discovered he was watching it. I am so thankful it happened now! I realize how crazy I was and how warped and possessive I was and I feel like I’ve shed that baggage for good! He is his own person, I am my own person. We have something very special together but it was doing no good for either of us to be so strict and weird about something so silly.
We definitely did not “spring back up like a TV can” from this incident though. I’m telling you, I was seriously heartbroken, inconsolable, and ridiculous. This resentment lasted for a good few months as I was trying to figure out why I had any right to be upset and why I was upset in the first place? So … anyway… Things have permanently changed for us as a couple and as individuals (or at least myself) because of this porn thing but I see now that it’s for the better.
Our communication skills are sometimes lacking, yes. He comes from a family with the mentality of, “the more important the matter, the more reason to cover it up and not talk about it.” They are all just a little crazy… Obviously a lot of issues there. Lol But he is much better about it but he still has a tendency to let things build up and not talk about what bothers him so conversations about this kind of thing are hard because he isn’t sincere about what bothers him to me, at first.
Needs that are not met at home? There are a few things. We are pretty opposite people: which is why we were attracted to each other really. We have a lot of things in common fundamentally and additionally—we like a lot of the same kinds of things and we share many important perspectives but we also miss each other on a lot of fundamentally important things like the communication thing. Bottling things up. Relationships with people and what they “should” be, what value people have and can have, introvert vs extrovert, etc etc… So you can see how these things combined can make a pretty weird scenario for both of us when it comes to relationship issues. Other than the intellectual/philosophical/interest desires not being met, I can say that comforting me when I’m upset has always been a problem. I think he has a problem with empathizing a lot of the time and when I’m troubled he cannot come up with solutions or even what to say. This is stressful for me and it creates a snowball effect, as I’m sure you could imagine. Things like this are not being met. Some sexual pleasures/desires are not being met either really.
As for spirituality; I don’t really know how to define this concept of a “soul” or “spirit” besides just defining myself so it’s difficult to translate how I may be lacking in spiritual health. How do I know? I think I’m in great health mentally… There are a few things I could definitely see a psychiatrist about but they are minor and could use improvement accordingly. I’m not depressed or anxious as far as I know but I do feel really bad for the stress I may be putting on my partner… He is definitely stressed out about everything. He’s worried he’ll lose me and he just hones in on that fear and ache and is blinded by it. I don’t know. I just feel bad about making him uncomfortable but this is so important to me. I feel like I need to go out and experience life and I feel like he may be scared of what that could entail and isn’t really interested. I do love him! I do not want to lose him either. What we have is great but… there are imperfections and I feel like there is nothing wrong with connecting with other people to fulfill those needs and desires. So there is a problem. =[
I am definitely not prepared for polyamory, I know! Haha that is why I’m getting out of my head about it and asking people who do it. It’s so new to me… What do you suggest we/I do in order to become more prepared?
Again, thank you so much for reading and responding! This is so helpful!