Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it
Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it. So my girlfriend is in town and so far it has been really wonderful. My boyfriend and I road tripped down to pick her up and we spent a lovely week traveling and just being together. But now we are back in my city and I have to go to work every day. My girlfriend is on holiday vacation from grad school and my boyfriend works form home and has a lot of control over when he works. So they get to hang out every day, and then I come home at night.
Itís not like they are spending every waking moment together, my girlfriend used to live in our city and has a lot of friends to see and people to talk to and is working on PhD applications and while my boyfriend works from home he does work and so he will be doing that.
We agreed that while I was at work was the best time for them to have sex because then I donít miss out on time with them. I have some strange issues around sex I have a problem having sex with the people I am most intimate with. When I love someone deeply and feel like they really know me all of a sudden the sex get scary for me and I just stop having it. That is hard on my partners but they try to be supportive of me while I figure it out.
But that also means that I am not having any sex. My partners are okay with me having more casual sex so that I donít feel sad and worked up all the time but I also want to trust the people Iím having sex with. The people in my life that would be safe and fun and enjoyable to have sex with arenít available to me because of a number of reasons.
So Iím getting up in the morning and sitting at my desk for 8 hours while they have sex and sleep and hang out and I guess I feel bitter about it. Iím sad that I canít seem to get my sexual desire fulfilled while they can. Iím sad that I canít hang out more with my girlfriend before she goes back to school and I feel kind of down and alone.
My sex issues often get me down I think that this situation is just throwing light on it more. I donít want to spend my whole life struggling to have a sex life with the people I love. I also donít want to ask them to limit themselves because I am having a hard time. I might if we all lived together and they saw each other all the time but as it is we go months at a time without seeing our girlfriend AND my male partner doesnít have any other sex partners so the months of not seeing her end up being pretty sexless for him. I try to be good and give him head a few times a week but I know he craves more emotional physical contact and I know being with someone (me) who has issues around that kind of contact is hard and I donít want to take away their time together.
Maybe Iím just having a pity party to the tune of ďLife isnít fairĒ but Iím feeling down and left out and trying to get a handle on those emotions so I donít bring down the rest of the time we all have together.
So like I said at the top I donít NEED anything in this moment. I donít NEED sex, or more time, or for them not to have sex. I donít NEED special treatment or consideration. But I very much WANT to have a sexual connection right now so I donít feel asÖ wellÖ fucked up. And I WANT my partners to bend over backwards to make me happy because I feel like Iím working so hard to accommodate there desires and that all sounds selfish and self centered to me. And I donít know what to do or what to ask for.
I am a very lucky person both of my partners are very giving and will listen deeply to anything I can articulate but I feel like our talking about this issue hasnít come up with any forward movement. They feel bad that there sexual connection is making my life more difficult right now they are open to anyway they could make it easier or better but they are just as out of ideas as I am.