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Old 04-10-2013, 03:45 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 916

Originally Posted by elle View Post
I also believe that expecting sexual monogamy in relationships seems to set people up to fail. I've always wondered why affairs are the big deal breaker for people when they happen (it's not just 'bad' people!)
I have to agree with Gala that cheating breaks trust. People in non-monogamous relationships still find ways to 'cheat' by not being honest. And after seeing, on an infidelity forum, the mental torment of lies and gaslighting that generally accompanies affairs, I don't really see it as something a 'good' person does.

My husband and I have always given each other a lot of freedom. It's been a big deal for us to realize that he expected sexual monogamy and I always thought he knew me well enough to realize that I don't believe in setting restrictions on relationships.
How long have you been married? Are you saying you never intended to be monogamous with your husband? If so, and given that sexual monogamy is generally part of marriage in this society, why would you assume he knew that if you two never discussed it?

It's been interesting having heart to heart conversations and trying to explain that I'm not talking about swinging, I'm talking about being open (emotionally and physically) to more than one.
And what is his position so far? Is he thinking about it or definitely not interested?

why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him?
Quite possibly only you can answer why it feels that way to you, but I never once, in my monogamous marriage, felt that my (now ex) husband 'controlled' my sex life. I see monogamy as a gift two people give to one another, willingly.

He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'
Sounds like he's telling you how he feels about it.

What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?
You'll find lots of members on this board in this situation. I personally see a lot of heartache on this board in these situations, when one spouse is suddenly handed the news that the other wants to change the rules of the game. It's understandably a problem when one didn't sign up for an open marriage and is suddenly expected to be in one. Others will point out that those for whom it's working are less likely to be on a forum in the first place.

At the very least, I think you can expect many months of upheaval, discussions, working through things, pain on your husband's part. If you are determined to do this and he agrees to try, be prepared to go very slowly.
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