Cheating is not cool. I think it's a big deal to people (in monoships or polyships) because of broken trust/broken agreements. Can't play safe with a liar. If being attracted to others is not a big deal? Tell partner you want to date them. Renegotiate boundaries or end it with existing partner(s), then go date the new person!
Ethics are ethics. *shrug*
How do you define your beliefs regarding polyamory? How did those of you who are established as such come to that place?
Always felt that way. Have the capacity and desire to love more than one at a time. At certain times of my life, have. Other times have chosen not to because of other priorities or goals. Life is long. What I want at different times or ages of my life change.
And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him?
I do not know how he expresses himself. There's no verbatim examples given.So I'll assume positive intent and assume he's just saying it is not his fancy. If that is what it is?
If one of his personal preferences/boundaries is "For me to share sex with you, it needs to be exclusive?" It's his right to share his body how he wishes. Nobody is just entitled
to his body. He chooses how he wants to share it.
His willingness? Also all his own. He doesn't have to be willing to participate in a polyship.
You have your own willingness. The other polyships person(s) have theirs. For a polyship to happen? All players have to share the same willingness.
I don't think it is "controlling you" for him to have a different preference -- it just is how it is. People's preferences are what they are, and compatibility will vary and can change over time as people grow and change.
Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist? He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'
You can feel as you do and value what you value. He feels as he does and values what he values. Maybe you do not value the same things. Again -- compatibility issues.
do not determine his willingness to "be there for you" -- he
And the relationship DOES change if you all decide to polyship with another or others. What you have now comes to and end because things CHANGED to become something else. There's more polymath
, players could have transitional grief and feel poly hell
weird... it's just not the same anymore. Your feelings might not change. His might. Because his feelings belong to him.
If you are offering polyship? And he's saying "No, thank you. I do not wish to participate in a polyship" -- then he's within in his rights to decline. He doesn't have to accept every invitation or offer he receives. Can't force someone to do something against their willingness. *shrug*
If his willingness is a hard limit "No way, never would want that for myself. I will not participate in a polyship with you." Have to accept that. It would be fresh of you to expect him to go against the grain to suit you. Just like it would be fresh of him to expect you to go against the grain to suit him.
If it is a soft limit that could change in time -- maybe something like this
could help guide conversation to assess that some before he gives his Final Word on the subject.
There is NOTHING wrong with how either of you wants to have your romances -- be it in polyship or monoship. All shapes are valid -- but if it is not a shared
willingness and shared
shape that you both desire? Not compatible then. Could accept it and make the call for how to proceed next.
He has the right to want his romances to come in the shape he wants.
You have the right to want your romances to come in the shape you want.
- If these wants and shapes align -- great. You can share that.
- If they do not align, you work it out and find compromises you both are willing to do so you can enjoy being together after all.
- Or it can't work out all. There is not compromise to be found that serves both. So you choose to not be together any more.
That's about it.