I'm R - been married to M for a year but we've been together a little over 5 years. I've been lurking for a while and decided that I should make an intro. I've been using this forum as a major information hub as I explore this part of me that I simply do not understand.
In highschool, I was the girl who had only friends who were guys, and I was extremely emotionally attached to each one of them, as well as physically. We were all best friends and I loved each one of them dearly.
As I got older though, that part of me... that ability to really connect with certain male individuals really scared me. So after I got married (to a different person than I'm with now) I really distanced myself from every male I knew. I've completely shut men out of my life, because I was afraid of what my heart and my brain did whenever I had the opportunity to really get close to one.
Now, I'm currently in a really good relationship (amazing) and was put into a situation where a relationship has the opportunity to develop. I've struggled immensely with this and I'm still coming out of a hole of self-loathing for my feelings but my husband, M, is so supportive and has told me to embrace who I am. He even told me he had known this about me before I did. Now, I admit that I can't handle the thought of M being with anyone else, which he doesn't care because he's not even interested in going outside of our marriage. This is part of the reason I feel so overwhelmed with guilt, though.
I still carry a lot of guilt for how I am, and that's something I'm still focusing on. Which is part of the reason that I came here, to learn and see. So, hello.