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Old 04-09-2013, 10:10 PM
Manifestiny Manifestiny is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am sure you are weary, worn out, and likely tired of dealing with all the ins and the outs.
Yes..i am worn out...completely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Your wife needs help and support, but you cannot force her to get it. Is she on medicines to help with her depression?
She has always resisted meds...but told me 2 days ago that it was time that she tried. I am not sure if she has literally started with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
That means confidence and self-esteem could be lacking. Does she work outside of the home? Does she have hobbies to keep her busy, or are your children her entire world?
She never used to. All she has ever wanted was to be a mother. Once i saw the separation anxiety developing...i began to encourage her all the time to seek hobbies...many were started, but nothing was ever followed through. Eventually she found work...which came about more of a necessity rather than her actively wanting to get a job (which is a whole other story in itself). Since starting work 18 months ago, she has really come to life...and it is evidently helping her. However, self esteem is still an issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
During this eight month period, were you consistently talking and communicating about what adding a new person to your lives would mean for each of you? What was the consent actually for if it was not for developing a relationship? Is there anyway you can her what she was consenting, too? Was she banking on you not falling in love and just having sex with someone else?
We have been discussing our thoughts on polyamory since before we were actually together (9 years ago). Anytime i would bring up the reality that i was developing real feelings for my gf...my wife would generally say things like "that's awesome...we'll work it out along the way...as long as we communicate properly"...but i feel that i have always been clear that my intention is to develop a tribe and integrate others into our life. Admittedly, we didn't have discussions about setting any other physical boundaries...other than my wife stated she didn't want my gf to have sex unless she was present. This boundary sounded alarm bells for me, because my gf is not exactly super comfortable with her sexuality (due to past abuse)...and although she is not completely closed to the concept of a triangle...at this stage, she is not ready to step into that. I have discussed with my wife the reality that this has made her feel shut out of the triad...however my gf made huge efforts to support my wife emotionally (and i believe, with openness to possibilities) and i am now beginning to see that my wife just expected my gf to jump into bed with her too without considering the comfort levels.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Has she ever said what she is jealous of? What is it that you need from your wife? How are you approaching her with these needs? Are you keeping your other relationship out of it when you mention what you need from her? Focus on you and her.
Not exactly. It seems to change. At one time, it will be because when i told her about my first kiss with my gf, i delivered it with such elation. Another time it will be because i began seeing my gf alone (which was a product of circumstances and not a deliberate attempt to have an affair). I try to approach every need as i understand it...while still keeping centred in myself. I certainly make a conscious effort to try and keep discussion focused on the issue at hand and leave my gf out of it. Last night, i sent a message to express to my wife the things i am expressing to you guys. Essentially, it comes down to me communicating that her behaviour toward me is cold and i am not feeling very loved. Her response was that she is "dealing with things the best she can" that her life is now "not as she thought it once was"...and that my feelings are not her priority at this time. I then asked what this means for our marriage...and suggested that perhaps we are learning that the love is really there...but that maybe the fact that we are married is getting in the way because it creates these ideals and expectations (that i have been stating for some time i am happy to rework by renewing our vows). She told me to "stop it"...and that she "didn't want to have that conversation".

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I cannot put a time limit on it for you. If her doctors are not helping, then perhaps she needs a new one who is equipped to deal with the issues and to help her. Have you attended any of the counselling appointments with her to hear what she says? Has the therapist asked that you join her?
She has changed doctors several times. We have done some counselling together. Her therapist has not asked me to join.
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