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Old 04-09-2013, 05:39 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Originally Posted by elle View Post

And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him? Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist?

What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?

I can only speak from my own experiences, but yes, I have felt an aspect of control, or limitation, comes into play. I have had two relationships devolve into platonic friendships, each time due to health issues with the other person. There was an unstated demand that if they were no longer able/willing to have a sex life, mine should stop when theirs did. That, in effect, since we were in a relationship, their illness and limitations became mine, as though we had to share a body between us.

In the first case, i waited 6 years to see if anything changed, or if it ever occurred to them that asking me to be celibate because they chose to be was unreasonable. it never did. And that's 6 years of my life I will never have back. The responsibility for that is totally mine, for not feeling sure i had the right to ask for more.

Now, it's creeping up on two years. This time, my partner is willing to acknowledge that her illness is not mine, and that my needs/desires don't vanish in conjunction with hers. That's progress.

But mainly, it's progress for me to say (firmly) I will no longer allow someone else to have that kind of power over my life. I won't ever agree again to be monogamous in relationships, and everyone will hear that from me up front from now on. It feels very strange to state that, as though I am asking for too much, but I think that's just unfamiliarity, not being unreasonable.

Allowing one's desires/needs to be unacknowledged seems to lead only to sadness, resentment, distancing, and diminishment of the feelings that brought two people together to begin with. From now on, if things tank, they will do so with me standing up for myself, clearly stating what I want, and intend, and expecting others to do the same.
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