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Old 04-09-2013, 04:45 PM
elle elle is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 27
Default Talking about poly with longtime partner

I'm still very new here, and I found this forum during my quest for how to help my husband understand my orientation towards you know, life, the universe, and everything.

At my heart I do believe that you can love more than one person at once. Life is fluid, people enter into and exit from our lives and sometimes the connection runs deep. There are many ways you can love the people in your life. Sometimes it is a deep emotional connection, sometimes it's a sexual desire, etc. But certainly it isn't random fucking.

I also believe that expecting sexual monogamy in relationships seems to set people up to fail. I've always wondered why affairs are the big deal breaker for people when they happen (it's not just 'bad' people!) and although some are 'exit affairs' and some have to do with unmet needs, they also just have to do with attraction. I hate that the textbook response to an affair is 'shut the other person out and never put yourself in that situation.'

My husband and I have always given each other a lot of freedom. It's been a big deal for us to realize that he expected sexual monogamy and I always thought he knew me well enough to realize that I don't believe in setting restrictions on relationships.

It's been interesting having heart to heart conversations and trying to explain that I'm not talking about swinging, I'm talking about being open (emotionally and physically) to more than one.

Given that we have been okay with each other going out with other people, we've lived apart (for work) and always been upfront about who we were with, I really always assumed he knew that there could be the possibility of either of us developing other relationships.

So that's a lot of babbling. I"m not even sure what I'm asking, maybe I"m just putting stuff out there.

How do you define your beliefs regarding polyamory? How did those of you who are established as such come to that place?

And here is another sticking point for me, or maybe I just need practical help- why does it feel controlling (to me) to have my partner control my sex life, ie determine that I only have sex with him? Sex with another person isn't a diss on him, or make him any less to me. And does the desire for additional relationships just make me a total hedonist? He says I would feel differently if the shoe were on the other foot. However I feel that other relationships would not change who we are or him 'being there for me.'

From what I've read, it seems like the type of poly I identify with is a 'primary' relationship (although as it's been pointed out that doesn't make 'secondaries' any less, just different) and secondary ones. A type born out of necessity since we've been a strong partnership for so long (me and R). And given the types of other relationships we've had, it seems like a very small skip to 'allow' or recognize sexual developments.

Many friendships and deep relationships never develop into the desire for a sexual component but when they do... yeah, I'm asking for permission. Is that wrong?

What generally happens in situations like this (a long time assumed mono relationship)?

PS: feel free to move if this should go somewhere else.
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-elle
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