Lots of great advice on the thread.
She calls herself "monogamish." So, I follow suit. She hasn't dated but she'd be open to something on the very casual end of the spectrum. It's her label to apply to herself as she pleases. I'm not going to quibble with it.
Certainly, GG's advice is solid in terms of turning the conversation into being supportive of her telling me what she might need for these types of encounters ahead of time. And, applying that logic to other poly areas to help us jointly think through what kinds of support she might need. Emphasizing my willingness to provide her support/reassurance.
I do agree that a set of mono expectations and not being clear about how they apply or don't in this situation is confusing matters - whether that's being self-generated or via conversations with mono friends. My bet is that it has grown in horribleness over time as she's stoked those particular fires in her mind.
I do worry that there's a list of "hidden" or "unexamined" expectations that we'll continually run into. She often defaults to every thing is all right when it seems clear to me that they are not. And, bristles when I want to have the conversation about the disconnect between her words and the feeling tone behind them. We are getting somewhat better at navigating that particular path. But, it is challenging.
If we have more of the expectation conversations before these kinds of things, maybe we'll just get better at it as we go. And, thereby, we can avoid such a large gap between each of our experiences.
Male, Straight, Poly
“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”