Everyone is up in arms over the demand that I only talk about poly.
For 17.5 years to be exact, I have practised it, lived it, and suffered some of the consequences. I have nothing to say on it. I am in the process of applying adhesive to the remnants of what was. No, I am not actively practising. No, I am not seeking the next relationship. Hell, I am not even sure I want another one anytime soon or ever. I have to fix my marriage before I do anything, and that is going to take a long time. We are having to rebuild it and start over from scratch. We barely have the foundation. Matt does not trust me. He trusted me to listen to him and respect his opinions. Well, I did no such thing because I was stuck in my selfish place. This is a brand new relationship, and I would be a fool to go and start a new one. Not to mention my relationship just ended. I am not one of those people who believes that you need to get under somebody to get over somebody. That is not my cup of tisane or even my style. Everything blew straight to hell weeks ago. For the time being, I am not able to practise poly. I have nothing positive to contribute. I am struggling to find the positives in my own life. If I am boosting it up for someone considering it, I am being a hypocrite. If it seems like it is anti-poly, well cupcakes have you read what happened? It is not anti anything. I just do not sell false hope and dreams. I am not going to tel someone this will be perfect and everyone will sprinkle rainbow coloured pixie dust out of excitement for your new way of living.
What I do not like is being told that because I am not balancing numerous relationships that I have no connection to poly. Whoa. Bring that back around. A 12 year relationship and 17.5 years of practise are irrelevant because I had to change some things to give my marriage a fighting chance? I am human. I do not have endless energy and fighting to save two relationships is time consuming. I cannot do it all. I am not afraid to admit defeat. I did with a smile on my face.
If I start seeking another relationship, is that when I should come back? If that is the case, I nay never be back. I have to live for today. I cannot guarantee that I will go back to my old ways. I feel like if I do, I have to make changes that are stronger than reducing the number of people I am romantically involved with. I have to correct the wrongs and learn from them. I am not at that point. I am still trying to sort out all the wrongs. Give me time to do that and to forgive myself and maybe I will feel differently.
Part of turning away from poly is how my marriage is working out. How is being at home every night different? How hard is it to just balance one relationship? What am I doing with the extra time that has been dumped in my lap? Is it really a struggle, or is it just that hard to try something different? Why am I being shunned by hardcore believers of poly? I am not being embraced by the mono bunch either. Why is that? To someone eyeing that door, that information is important. My feelings are an accurate part of it. They are part of the learning and growth process. Is this actually helping my marriage, or could it potentially hurt it if I decide I want to seek another relationship? Am I really suppressing myself? I have no urge for anyone else. I am happy in this moment, but ask me when a breakup is not so fresh.