on friday i was at a restaurant to celebrate the ghost's birthday. i had picked out a gift and a card that i thought suited him and was happy to see that he really liked them, and his friends liked them as well, one girl even said something along the lines of "good job, you get one point"!
two of his friends i had met before about a week ago but the others i had never met. i was quite nervous and wanted them to like me. i don't know how much they know about me/us, but since we have a history where we dated several years ago but i broke it off to date someone else i was a bit worried that they might think i had hurt their friend. but everyone was really friendly, except one girl who i kind of got a weird vibe from. she was dating a guy there who looked a bit like the ghost and i sort of got the feeling that she and the ghost had some kind of connection. it made me curious, i might ask him if they have hooked up before or something. it might just all be in my head, but i got the sense that she was suspicious of me. anyway, everyone got drunk and we had a good time. i spent the night at the ghost's place but had to get up quite early since i had made plans to meet up with music man. the ghost and i sat for a while in his kitchen, sipping on tea and coffee and chatting. my heart was full of warm fuzzy feelings for him, seeing him there in the morning sunshine coming in through the window. skinny pale arms, soft skin against the fabric of a worn-in t-shirt. i am happy that he is in my life again.
i went home to shower and try to snap out of my hangover before meeting music man. i put on a red dress with a white peter pan collar and re-did my cat-eye liner. it was a lovely spring day. we met up outside of the museum and had a chat before the guided tour of the exhibition began. he said i looked really good and i told him he did as well. it was lovely to see him but a bit weird since we see each other so seldom now compared to before, and we are still adjusting to the new shape of our relationship. after the exhibition we went to eat some thai food. i asked him how things were going with the girl at his work place. he said that they were seeing each other now and then but he thought that she was probably looking for something monogamous in the long run. he spoke of his fear of falling into old patterns, of not being truthful in relationships but just saying/acting out what he thought the other person wanted to hear. i listened and tried to advice him as best i could. it is still a bit sad for me to think that he used to do the same things in our relationship, put on a show when he was actually feeling something else. not all the time, of course, but still. mostly though i just feel compassion for him as a friend, i feel sad for him that he has these feelings and find it difficult being close in relationships. we all have our issues i guess... he asked me about my life and if i was happy and having fun. i said yes, but...i miss you. he said he misses me too. i said that i have been thinking that he is not the only one (for me), but he is the only one that is exactly him, and therefore i have a hole shaped like him in me. i said that i have been thinking that i would like us to have some sort of romantic relationship again some time but i think we need more time, to make sure that we only do things because we want to and not out of expectations of how it should be. he agreed. it felt good to have that conversation with him, to be able to be honest and let him know how i feel and to get it confirmed that he is feeling something similar. afterwards we went for a walk. before i dropped him off at work we hugged for a long time and he gave me a kiss at my temple. we could have kissed on the lips as well but it just felt right to not do that, to take it slow like we had discussed before.
i spent the evening curled up in bed, resting and watching shows. the ghost wanted me to come to a party but i was too exhausted. i not only stayed in bed all evening, i also slept for ten hours during the night! on sunday i had more energy and even went to the gym. lately i have been swinging beer glasses more often than dumbbells and it felt good to be working out again. i'm really feeling it today! ouch. i had originally had plans to go out for coffee with a guy i've met online, but he had to cancel due to some situation at his work. i didn't mind, it felt good to have the day all to myself and to get some stuff done around the house.
we'll see what this week holds...
me: straight woman in her thirties. new to poly.
music man: was my boyfriend for 2,5 years. some problems in the relationship coincided with discussions of poly (he has always been interested, i began to see the benefits after a lot of research) and we opened up the relationship in the beginning of 2013. at the moment our relationship is mostly a friendship.
the ghost: a guy from my past who never seems to leave my mind. we are now seeing each other again romantically and he seems to be ok with poly so far